“I don’t know who I am.”
I used to think that saying that was a cliche.
How could we not know who we are? We as people live with ourselves and only ourselves every single minute of every day. We know every facet of the Freudian-proposed composition of our minds; our ego, our alter-ego, all of it.
I suddenly realized I have no idea who I am. My only identity that remains; someone who wants to glorify God.
That is good to a certain extent but I don’t even know how to go about that anymore. I pray every single day that at least one thing I do could glorify Him. I do everything you are supposed to. I do the normal legalistic action, to call them by their worst pseudonym. I don’t drink, do drugs, have sex, flirt with random people. I pray, read my Bible and love people. I love people more than anyone could imagine. I don’t know how one person can love so much.
Maybe it's because I give away every ounce of love I can. That even the love-capacity that many people opt to save for themselves. Maybe that is what I am here for, maybe I can teach just one other person how to love. Maybe my ability to love has saved lives-okay-not just maybe. I KNOW that God has put me here and has saved lives through me simply because I am able to love.
Many of you know some of my biggest struggles. I am very open about them, because to me, if people see me as flawed it doesn’t matter. Any poor opinion you have of me pales in comparison to how I have felt about myself, I am not going to hide anymore especially if even one person is able to love themselves just a little more from this…it's worth it.
These struggles make me feel as if it is impossible for anyone to love me, that I am not worthy, that I--am nothing. This painfully beautiful dichotomy exists and manifests in the world; God made us, loves us, wants us even though we are in reality, nothing in comparison. We could do nothing to Glorify the Lord. We are less than a single grain of sand, all of which comprise all the beaches in the world; past, present and future. We are less than a single cell in the whole body of Christ, yet, God utilizes each and every one of us to Glorify Him in some way.
THAT has become the only identity I have left. I am this cell, that has no idea my purpose. It may sound silly…but am I a portion of the heart? Or am I a portion of the lowliest pinky toe? What am I and how can God utilize me? It is a good thing He is all powerful, because I can not do anything without Him.
I have lived with myself every single day for almost two decades, it amazes me. I can not tell anyone who I am other than this. In all reality, who is anyone? How do we have the right to categorize? How do we choose what qualities to reward, condone, or shun?
It certainly is not always biblical. It certainly isn’t always out of love. How do we choose what sin is more important? I have so many questions. Yet, the one I am struggling with most is “Who am I?” Ultimately, I don’t judge anyone else because all I can do is love them, help them, and be almost an assistant-shepard to them. I don’t think less of anyone, for the Bible brings up the idea of which debtor will be more thankful and give more praise… those who are forgiven the most debt. Saul was Paul, he persecuted Christians… I don’t in any way condone sin… I just don’t believe that any sin is necessarily worse than another, or more, that I have absolutely no right to decipher that for myself. I do, however have the power to love, protect, guide and so much more.
Who am I? I honestly, don’t even know. I pray every day to learn… or rather, that I can be utilized… That I can glorify God… That I can be purified in; mind, body, soul, spirit, everything… I pray every day that I can understand God’s will.
I have to be honest, I don’t.
I don’t understand.
I have no idea who I am.
I don’t know who I am.
Who Am I?
Who are You?
