This is not an open letter bashing a person. This is not a hateful chunk of slander This is an informative piece for all the women/men like me who have gone through some kind of alcohol-involved sexual assault in college. You may believe it’s your fault. You may believe that because YOU were drinking that the assault was your fault. But it wasn’t.
I don’t hate my rapist. This may contain things that could be triggering to some.
These events happened over a span of 3 days.
Things had been rough on me; I had just broken up with a boy who I really had feelings for and I was searching for something to fill the hole in my heart. So, I chose him; and for this story, I’ll call him Dylan.
Two nights before this incident, Dylan dumped his girlfriend for me. Maybe that made him feel entitled to raping me. I’m not sure. I’m not sure about much to this day. Two days before the assault, we partied, I got drunk/he got drunk and we kissed. I thought this was what I wanted. I really liked this guy. He was everything I was looking for. He was kind, talented, friendly, confident- basically, the “Mr.Right” I had been searching for as a sophomore in college.
He bought me a pumpkin spice latte and told me that his new job was “making me happy” and I was okay with it. We held hands, we were cute. Just remember- I liked this boy at first AND he liked me. Everything was okay until the long Labor Day weekend. It was a small party at my apartment. I was chugging a drink of 70% vodka and 30% Diet Coke while he was doing the same.
PLEASE remember, Dylan was not my size- so he was not even CLOSE to as drunk as I was. I was a 10 drunk. He was a 3. Maybe. But as he has told me before, “I didn’t even know you were that drunk,”... and of course you didn’t, Dylan. I want to emphasize the importance of the next events that unfurled. Most victims don’t realize that sex can stop being consensual after it has begun. It’s all fun and games until the person says stop- and that’s what I said. We made out, it turned into sex. However, in the middle of all the mess, I said clearly “let me leave”, “stop” and called out for my friend. His response to all of this was to continue taking what he thought was his- or in other words, my body. It ended.
I ran out to see my best friend in my living room looking at me in awe. She could tell something was wrong. We walked outside to my porch and I slid onto the floor with a lit cigarette in my hand. I inhaled, exhaled and whispered “I said stop. I didn’t want that.” She looked terrified, angry and upset all at the same time.
My friends confronted him, he didn’t think anything happened. For the next 3 weeks, I endured constant interaction with therapists, health centers, and law enforcement agents.I decided not to press charges. I couldn’t ruin a person’s life for a drunken mistake. I couldn’t clearly see that what he did to me was wrong.
My friends encouraged me to go to the hospital to get a kit, just in case I changed my mind about pressing charges. I see my rapist every day. He was smug until recently. He told several people “his side” of the story, making me question if the whole thing even happened. I was lost, drowning in my own post trauma.
For days on days, he texted me saying he did nothing wrong. The worst thing he said to me was “Your mind was saying no, but your body was saying yes” and I will never forget those words. I could have sent Dylan to jail, but after talking to him recently- I don’t think he’s a bad person. I'm not excusing him from his actions, I just feel he is someone who made a huge mistake.
I think he feels bad about it; not necessarily close to the pain I feel every day about what happened to me, but he feels something. He told me the other night that he “didn’t hear me say stop” and I think possibly that could be true. He doesn’t seem like the malicious type- just a lost boy with control issues. I liked this boy 2 days ago, didn’t I owe him something? Didn’t I lead him into thinking he could have me whenever he wanted? No. I didn’t.
He wasn’t entitled to my body, my heart, or my skin. He should have stopped altogether when he realized that I was drunk and sex with someone who cannot make consent (being drunk voids consent) is RAPE. What happened that night was wrong, no matter what anyone else says.
Many people can look at me and tell me I'm playing the victim. That if I didn’t want sex then I shouldn’t have started the encounter at all. I cannot sit here anymore and listen to those kinds of people. I don’t hate my rapist. I should- or at least that’s what everyone else says.
However, I think he just made a mistake. My situation isn’t like everyone else’s. My situation is MY situation. Maybe one day I’ll despise him. Maybe one day I’ll regret not turning him into the police.
I am Kacy. I am a survivor. I’ll let him see me walk past and silently remind him that he will NEVER lay his hands on me again. I am above him, I am above this, I am not a rape case. I am a strong woman. Sexual assault involving alcohol has become a norm in college and it’s absolutely disgusting.
Always have a friend, always pour your own drinks, never go with people you don’t know. I can’t sleep sometimes, I cannot eat sometimes, but I know that I’m going to beat this.
I want other girls and boys out there to know that when you say “no” or “stop” and she or he continues- it is rape. It is wrong of him or her and IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
It’ll take me time to believe that, it’ll take others time to believe it..but together, as survivors, we can beat this rape epidemic.
It was not your fault.
