How is it that people can spend so much time alone? I truly am terrified of being alone. It seems as if every time I am alone I feel that I am slowly being forgotten
…as if my fears were legitimate, and I do not matter.
—that my efforts to show love and care to others have gone without any attention and no effect.
To be honest, my deepest fear is being alone. So, in saying that, I am very scared of being an adult. I am only in college now, and I feel like I spend so much time on my own, in my room, just by myself. I constantly look at my phone in hopes that someone has thought about me and would like to spend time with me. Yet, each time I look I am greeted with the time and my phone’s background image.
I understand if those who read this are thinking, “Gosh, this kid is weak. He can’t be by himself?” Well you are correct. I am very weak. I am extremely weak actually, and I am not proud of it. Your advice may be, “Suck it up. You were brought into this world alone, and you will leave this world alone so, get used to it.” The thing is, I can’t. No matter how hard I try to get used to being alone, I just cannot bring myself to get used to it. Each time I am alone I constantly feel like I am not worth the time of day to anyone. I have no importance among the people I care about. I get jealous of those I call my friends having fun without me.
The reasoning behind this belief reflects back to past friendships. Each time a close friend of mine moved on in their life, they always seemed happier. Things seemed better for them when I was out of their life. Now, that may not be the truth, but from my end that sure is what the view looked like. A guy I call my big brother once told me, "It seems as if everyone is content to just let friendships fade to nothing as life goes on, and new faces take the place of old ones. Too often I find that I am the only idiot hanging on, wondering how things have deteriorated." This describes my situation and myself perfectly. Like, I see all these people that I love leave. I then no longer am a friend, but an old memory.
How is it that people can tolerate being alone? Do I have the wrong belief that we are supposed to be here for each other, and if we are, who is there for me? I need strength. Or maybe I just need understanding because I really want to know if we were made to be alone on this earth. I am growing weak, my mind does consume me more than what I care to share, but I just really want to know am I supposed to be alone…
—or do I deserve this?
Or...
Is life really like lifting weights? By that, I mean sometimes life can get heavy, just like lifting weights. The weight can be so overbearing and it will slowly work its way where you can no longer lift it. If only there was some way to help lift that weight. Is there anything you can do? Do not lift alone. Life can sometimes feel very smooth and easy, but there are the times where it can get you down where you can’t get back up no matter how hard you try. So, is it crazy to have a spotter when you are lifting heavy? Now, is it crazy to go through life having others spot you too?
