As a 20 year old anything, I find critique and judgment in everything I do, everything I say, everything I am. Every time someone comments on anything happening my automatic response is "I don't care." When truthfully, I care. A lot. I care what everyone thinks of me, I care what I think of me. I'm just good at pretending not to.

So what do we do when we find that who we are is not who we want to be, or who we want to be is not who our peers want us to be? This is the conflict I've found myself bouncing back and forth with since I was 12. I want friends, but not friends that won't accept me for who I am, but if I let my true self show, I end up alone. So where is the middle? Is there a middle?

As I've searched for these answers I've come to a "not decision." Who are these peers to make me think I need to be anyone but myself? But who I am to think I need so many peers? Coworkers, acquaintances, friends, even family, will be in and out of our lives no matter how we act now or later. I can pretend all I want to be a college party girl, have a new circle of friends, but in the long run none of those people will stay around me because all I am is fake. Why surround myself with the lies when I can do what I enjoy, and never have to worry about the strain of losing someone I never had in my life to begin with?

So am I alone sometimes? Yes. Am I talked down on, judged, even teased? Yes. Do I care? This time my answer is not merely yes or no, it's "I'm trying not to." Because I'm never gonna not care, but I'm never going to change either.