"I don't know what I'm doing with my life," the phrase that comes out of my mouth probably once or twice a day, up to ten times if it has been a rough day. Yes, I have a goal in life, but it seems that my short-term goals change once a week and it has really begun to skew what I'm doing with my life. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when my life has magically come together but for some reason, I do not think that will be occurring anytime in the near future. So here I am, trying to get myself in a position to be in a position, telling myself once again, "I don't know what I'm doing with my life."
The biggest problem I have faced with all of this is the fact that my life is not following the plan I laid out for myself when I was eighteen. When the plan changes even the tiniest bit, it throws the entire big picture off. Within the past year I have transferred schools and changed majors, so this entire year has made me want to pull my hair out because I keep changing the "perfect plan". I'm a perfectionist and I like to be organized so why can I not plan out my whole life like my heart desires?
God has a plan, I'm certain of that, but it makes me stressed that my plan does not match up to His word for word. There are times when I do not necessarily get what I want and I find myself asking, "Is this really how my life is supposed to be?" I get my heart set on one specific thing, never taking change into account, and when I do not get that one, very specific thing, I become frustrated with how life is playing out.
I try and I try and I try, but I am not sure what to do. I have just over a year left in college then I feel like society expects me to have my life together, but guess what society?! I am nowhere near having my life together. I'm clueless, stressed, and afraid. What if I don't find a job when I graduate? What if I get stuck taking a job I hate? Why is nothing set in stone?
I'm going to keep asking myself all of these questions and I am sure they will continue to reoccur for the rest of my life. It just seems college makes me want to go insane and makes me want to question every small detail. For the time being, I'm going to continue saying, "I don't know what I'm doing with my life" because it is all I know. I truly do not know but maybe someday soon I will. I'm waiting for my light bulb moment.