Study Finds Trump To Win In A Landslide If Dogs Given Right To Vote
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Politics and Activism

Study Finds Trump To Win In A Landslide If Dogs Given Right To Vote

Should we honor our Canine Americans by granting them full citizenship?

Study Finds Trump To Win In A Landslide If Dogs Given Right To Vote

A study conducted by the Bureau of American Research for Canines (or BARC), found that if dogs had the right to vote, Donald Trump would win in a landslide. This research coming out not long after the hashtag #repealthe19th spread across multiple social media platforms. This hashtag, which suggests taking the vote away from women, was inspired by a tweet from a reporter showing the trends of male voters versus female voters. If males were the only gender to vote, Donald Trump would win in a landslide.

Trump surrogates ask the American People to leave this ridiculous hashtag behind them, and instead look to obtain voting rights for their fellow Canine Americans. One surrogate on record saying "We view our dogs as part of the family, why wouldn't we want to give them the full rights of an American Citizen? Hillary Clinton herself is a crazy cat lady. We can't let her and the other feline friendly Democrats infringe on the rights of our most loyal citizens." I reached out to Clinton's campaign to comment on this, and they clarified that Democratic Nominee Hillary Clinton does not own any cats.

I decided that I had to get to the bottom of this story, so I spoke to a few dogs in my neighborhood about the recent findings. Sparky, a 9-year-old Chocolate Lab, expressed his disbelief over the reaction from the American people to Donald Trumps most recent scandal. Sparky told me "Before I was neutered, I used to hump everything; side tables, furry blankets, stuffed animals, my Maltese neighbor Patsy. You name it, I humped it. We are males, we can't control our urges. Now what is so wrong about grabbing women by their ladypart?" I asked why Sparky thinks that Donald Trump would be the best President for him, and he said he was hopeful that Donald would understand dogs better than Clinton, and that Trump's hair reminded him of his first girlfriend (A golden retriever named Doreen).

I needed to get another furry perspective on this election, so I visited another neighborhood dog named Poppy, a large white poodle. Poppy was excited at the prospect of canine suffrage. When her owner leaves for work in the morning, Poppy tells me that she spends her time watching Fox News and licking her genitals. I asked Poppy what policy of Trump's most spoke to her. She sat right up, wagging her tail vigorously, and told me "We need to build a wall. The electric fence is not doing its job. So many dirty Mexican mutts cross the border, and they are living in our pounds, peeing on our pee, and getting adopted by our owners. It isn't fair for all of the other dogs who have been awaiting adoption in their own country." I reminded Poppy that very few stray dogs actually cross the border, if any. But she was adamant that her cousin Sally heard from her neighbor Bones that the cute dog from "The Secret Life of Pets" is friends with a poor King Charles Spaniel who saw many Mexican mutts get adopted before him. Poppy then caught sight of a squirrel outside and started barking uncontrollably so I took that as my queue to leave.

I was discouraged by my findings because it seemed as though none of these dogs had substantive reasons for wanting to elect Donald Trump. I was hopeful that my final interview with Scruffy the Yorkie would shed some light on the whole situation. When I walked into Scruffy's house, he peed all over the floor because he didn't expect any visitors. He told me that America doesn't feel safe for dogs right now. There are a lot of Hawks around my neighborhood snatching up small dogs like Scruffy. He thinks it's most likely Hillary Clinton's fault since she was allegedly seen Thursday by Scruffy's neighbor Susan setting a whole cage of Hawks loose across Westport, CT. Scruffy wasn't sure who he was voting for but he told me, "Hillary wants to take away our guns, even after setting an entire cage of hawks loose in Westport. But I don't like Donald Trump, because I heard that he grabs cats and I actually have many good friends that are cats who find that very disgusting." After a quick break to rub his butt across the carpet, Scruffy added "I also heard that one time Hillary Clinton kicked a dog. I don't think I can support a candidate like that. It is a ruff decision to make."

I left Scruffy's house feeling confident that the recent poll was accurate. Dogs would elect Donald Trump as their owner, sorry, President if they were given the right to vote. Though I questioned whether a dog qualified as a United Stated citizen, so I visited a Trump supporter in congress who wished to remain anonymous. He assured me that "We already passed the 15th amendment and the 19th amendment. Giving dogs the right to vote seems like a natural progression towards a more inclusive government."

He also told me about some of their ideas for making voting accessible to all Americans including canines. They would create a "Bark Once, Bark Twice" option. This option would essentially ask the dogs to "bark once" for the Democratic nominee and "bark twice" for the Republican nominee. I asked the Congressman if they planned on making voting accessible to more Americans by reassessing some of the voter ID laws, and the congressman responded with a fit of maniacal laughter then disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.

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