My Divorced Parents Hate Each Other But Say They Love All Of Me

My Parents Hate Each Other But They Say They Love All Of Me

I'd like to think they didn't hate half of who I am.

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A child is born with DNA inherited from their father and mother, a mix of both of their parents. So, what happens when your parents divorce and end up hating one another? Do they hate half of who you are?

I am a child of divorce. It was messy and a very hard few years for me to see my parents separate. To have a family, and then suddenly not. What made it harder was to see how much my parents ended up hating each other. To this day, over a decade later they struggle to even be in the same room as one another if something comes up where they have to be.

The complaints about the other make my head and heart hurt.

There's always this nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I'm a mixture of my parents. I have qualities and DNA of both of them. Do they hate half of who I am? When they see parts of me that belong to the other do they get annoyed? They claim to love me and who I am, but how do I know that's actually true?

I'm always jealous when I see other kids whose parents are divorced but still either get along or know who to just live with the other. When one says to have fun when they drop them off somewhere else or talk to each other. Mine say nothing to each other. It's as if they want to pretend the other no longer exists.

I don't want to have to choose between the two. If there is an event we all attend I don't want to have to say who I'd prefer to sit with. Nor do I want to hear them talk about how the other is there is what they're doing that the other one doesn't like. I'd like to pretend that for just a little while, I could sit with my family and be happy.

All I want is for them to get along enough to make their children happy.

They're divorced now and remarried. There is barely any time they have to even see each other. Can't they find peace in that? Sit in the same area together and be fine knowing that they are happy with their lives now?

I've learned to generally live and accept how things are. I try my best to ignore it. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though. Especially when one says that I do something like the other. It brings back that fear that they don't like that part of me. I feel like I have to hide part of who I am when I'm with them in hopes that they don't have to think anything bad about me.

I really want to believe that they don't hate half of me.

I'm sorry Mom and Dad. I don't wish to make either of you feel bad. I don't think either of you are bad parents or bad in any way for that matter. I love both of you and everything that makes you, well, you. Even parts that may annoy me, it's still who you are. I just hope that you love me for all of who I am, even the parents you secretly may not like.

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To The Parent Who Chose Addiction

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

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When I was younger I resented you, I hated every ounce of you, and I used to question why God would give me a parent like you. Not now. Now I see the beauty and the blessings behind having an addict for a parent. If you're reading this, it isn't meant to hurt you, but rather to thank you.

Thank you for choosing your addiction over me.

Throughout my life, you have always chosen the addiction over my programs, my swim meets or even a simple movie night. You joke about it now or act as if I never questioned if you would wake up the next morning from your pill and alcohol-induced sleep, but I thank you for this. I thank you because I gained a relationship with God. The amount of time I spent praying for you strengthened our relationship in ways I could never explain.

SEE ALSO: They're Not Junkies, You're Just Uneducated

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

The amount of hurt and disappointment our family has gone through has brought us closer together. I have a relationship with Nanny and Pop that would never be as strong as it is today if you had been in the picture from day one. That in itself is a blessing.

Thank you for showing me how to love.

From your absence, I have learned how to love unconditionally. I want you to know that even though you weren't here, I love you most of all. No matter the amount of heartbreak, tears, and pain I've felt, you will always be my greatest love.

Thank you for making me strong.

Thank you for leaving and for showing me how to be independent. From you, I have learned that I do not need anyone else to prove to me that I am worthy of being loved. From you, I have learned that life is always hard, but you shouldn't give into the things that make you feel good for a short while, but should search for the real happiness in life.

Most of all, thank you for showing me how to turn my hurt into motivation.

I have learned that the cycle of addiction is not something that will continue into my life. You have hurt me more than anyone, but through that hurt, I have pushed myself to become the best version of myself.

Thank you for choosing the addiction over me because you've made me stronger, wiser, and loving than I ever could've been before.

Cover Image Credit: http://crashingintolove.tumblr.com/post/62246881826/pieffysessanta-tumblr-com

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A Toxic Mother Can Cause Just As Much Damage As An Absent Father

They're real, they're out there.

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What's worse, a toxic mother or an absent father?

I saw this on Twitter and I had to give my input.

An absent father is kind of like a blank space that either you can fill or you have filled. Some mothers choose to make the absentee father the hero, the villain, or anonymous. Fathers play a huge role in their daughters' lives by being their first love and in their sons by being their first role models of how a man treats a woman. Absent fathers tend to be full of blame and excuses towards everyone besides themselves. By creating the narrative that it wasn't by choice but a decision.

Fathers are the anchor in the household providing stability, safety, and security. When it's missing, there is a need to find it. Leading boys to feel like they need to become men before their time and pushing girls to beg for love that was always intended to be free.

Absent fathers have been an epidemic in minority communities for decades. Starting off by force and continuing by choice. But that void can be a bottomless pit to be filled with whatever can close the gap. Though it should be fixed with self-love and personal identity, it tends to be the opposite.

Absent fathers create a hole that society could never fill.

Now, toxic mothers.

They're real, they're out there. I know it's a shock but not every mother is from "The Brady Bunch" or "The Cosby Show." There are mothers who are present in their children's lives and still abdicate the role of being the nurturer, lover, and protector. Though they don't catch nearly as much flack as absent fathers, their effects can be just as detrimental. Being the sole parent in the household, children are completely dependent upon them for shelter, nutrition, self-care, and everything else. They are taking the roles of two in one. So we aren't talking about the single moms who are killing it and making a way but falling short.

No, no.

We're talking about moms who use the children's dependency upon them and abuse the power that their title, mother, entails. Mothers are their sons' first love, and how they treat their sons affects their views on women. Mothers who degrade their daughters with slurs, try to emasculate their sons, they forfeit their roles by being the root of hate instead of love.

Toxic mothers distort an image of love and replace it with fear.

In reality, no one has a perfect family life or an ideal home situation. But through our experiences, we can be better for our children and the generation to come. We don't have to be a slave to our past, but instead, we can master our future.

But this started off with a question: what's worse, a toxic mother or an absent father?

The worst thing would be to have both.

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