"Truth or Dare?"
She asks. "Truth", I answer. "Okay...are you a virgin?" she asks. I inhale slowly, exhale with a sigh, and answer, "I don't believe in virginity," and the whole room looks at me like I'm the confused one.
The concept of whether or not a person has had sex being a determining factor of a permanent label is not only stupid in that it suggests that sexual acts are impure, but it is actually places an additional burden those who have suffered from sexual assault or trauma, and does not account for many types of queer sex. Let's break this down.
Penetrative sex is not the only kind of sex.
Most people, when talking about the concept of virginity, are talking about the first time they had penetrative sex. This, most of the time, is in reference to penis-in-vagina sex, but sometimes also refers to anal sex if it is between two penis-bearing people, but, for some reason, if a penis person and a vagina person have anal sex then it does not affect virginity. This is to say that if two vagina people have incredibly intense sex all the time, they are still virgins. This is also to say that people who have the wackiest, kinkiest, wildest sex in the whole world without ever using their own genitals to penetrate one another (i.e. a strap on, which can be used no matter what your genitals are), are also virgins, but people who one time decided to try having sex in a very shy and intimate setting, even if they choose to never ever have sex ever again, are somehow considered "no-longer-virgins" (there is seemingly no word for "non-virgin), and thus they can never escape their now lack of "v-card", which has suddenly evaporated into the abyss.
"Virginity" neglects the idea that many pairings of people physically cannot have penetrative sex with their set of genitals. Being a "non-virgin" does not mean someone is sexually experienced, and being a "virgin" does not mean that someone is not.
Queer sex is real sex.
One thing that is not real sex, is non-consensual sex.
Let's make this perfectly clear. The only label that can and should ever be put onto someone who has lived through sexual assault is a "survivor" unless they say otherwise.
Someone else's forced actions cannot and should not dictate the purity of someone's being.
Someone who is pure is someone who cares for others; someone who takes care of themselves and also uses their energy to be a neutral or positive force in the world, and who loves unapologetically. If anything, a perpetrator in an instance of sexual assault should be the only one with a label of impurity.
The fact that that, with the current concept of virginity, someone can "take" someone else's virginity or "lose" it to someone, is such a violent concept and perpetuates rape culture even in its innate vocabulary.
So let's ditch "virginity."
Let's get rid of the idea that having a dick put into you consensually changes you in any way. Let's get rid of the idea that putting your dick into something means you are taking something from someone (other than their time). Let's get rid of the idea that you are not as dirty as you want by getting "down and dirty"
Someone who has had penetrative sex by choice is simply someone who has had penetrative sex. That is it. Your sexual experiences can be whatever you want them to be. They do not and should not have to define you. You are so much more than that.
