I find it ironic that my counselor told me I sounded a lot more positive about the future. That's the furthest from what I feel. This is the week I was supposed to FINALLY achieve my Bachelor's degree. But this past August I was told I had exhausted any kind of financial aid available. So I had to drop out.

I hated high school with a passion. But I knew I wanted to go to college. Not just to learn more about writing and find my place in the literary world, but to prove to people that I was smart enough to do it. I was degraded all through high school. Achieving a higher level of education would finally put an end to the claims of my intelligence. Could a stupid person achieve a college degree? I don't think so.

As the years after high school flew by, I began to wonder if it was worth it to prove my intelligence to anyone.

Adulting stole the joy and wonder I had with college. The four-year deadline for a Bachelor's passed and I became even more lost. There's no guidebook on how to handle life when things don't go the way you planned.

You're just expected to weather the storm and eventually, things will shake out. But with it now being eighteen years after high school for me and I've yet to achieve at least a bachelor's degree, it's hard to imagine that to outsiders I sound hopeful about my future.

What I have been doing since August is applying for grants and scholarships online wherever I can find them. No matter the amount rewarded or where an award is coming from, I'm applying to it. I knew it was a long shot; since the majority of any kind of financial aid is given in the spring for the next years' enrollment, but I wanted to try. Now it's December and no luck has been had with this route either. On Saturday my graduation date will pass, and all my hopes and dreams for a better life will pass as well.

It used to be that a high school diploma would help you succeed in life. Then it became an associates degree would help you succeed. After that, a bachelor's degree was the minimum needed for success. Currently, a Master's Degree is the minimum required to live a comfortable life. Lots of places won't even hire you without either experience or a Master's Degree in the field. I could've achieved a better life ten to fifteen years ago when the entry-level education required was an Associate's Degree.

However, I would've had to have succeeded staying on the four-year track of getting my Bachelor's Degree right out of high school. Without getting that minimum, my hopes of a better life diminished by half.

So here I am, waiting for life to pass me the torch of luck so that I can finally live comfortably. I don't know if my unending patience with the hands that life has dealt me transfers to hope in my counselor's eyes, but I'll take it.