A few days ago I purchased the computer game "Undertale" for my computer. I was blown away, and it’s actually made me think a lot about what I learn when I play games like these. How do I play them? Do I go through the game killing at will, sparing some and not others? Do I kill everyone? Or do I spare everyone, and never even hurt a fly? Well, "Undertale" gave me that option, and I’m glad it did.
I played through the game as a pacifist (no killing anyone): I befriended everyone, went on dates with Papyrus and Alphys. I gave Undyne some water. I got the true pacifist ending, and it felt worth it. It’s hard for me to imagine going through any other play-through because the ending was perfect, and everyone lived. But what happens when I start over? I have to think about my decisions in a state of total freedom. I could kill anyone I wanted to, or save some and not others. What does this do to me as a person, however?
I like to think of myself as having a lot of determination, but what about when this determination works against things like justice and charity? I’ve started a genocide run (kill everything), and it’s starting to tear me apart. Killing every creature in site is awful. Creatures I previously cheered on (in order to NOT kill them) now are my victims. It hurts me to hurt them. And it makes me wonder how determined I really am to kill them. Can I make it to the end killing everyone along the way? Because if I spare even one person I won’t get to see the genocide ending. But I have to kill everyone to do that. Everyone. Will I have the determination to get that far, or will I give in to my humanity? The creatures are just pixels on a screen. They can’t feel real pain, but I as a real person can. Mental pain of course is my concern for a play-through of "Undertale" where I kill everyone.
Put another way: do I have the determination to suppress the part of myself that strives for good in the world? I tend to think that games can be much more than pixels on the screen, and if I can so easily give into hatred in just a little video game, I’m frankly quite terrified what that says about me as a person, and what I might learn about myself in the process. Maybe I’m too determined. And it’s funny that I say I might be too determined, because in "Undertale," nothing’s predetermined at all. I could stay in the first room forever. Not depart the RUINS. Stay forever with Toriel. Not hear puns from Sans. Not make spaghetti with Papyrus. Not flip switches. Eat the butterscotch pie. I make the choices in total freedom, and with that power I can abuse it using my determination. I’m scared what I’ll learn about myself if I manage to get to the end killing everything.
But what did I learn from "Undertale?" Well, skeleton puns are pretty great. Being able to make spaghetti may be my only redeeming quality. And among many, many others, it felt right doing the right thing. I felt proud when I managed to never kill anyone on my first play-through. I think that says something about me as a person. SO maybe I don’t actually have the determination to kill everything on my journey underground.
