New York, new Sarah.

. . .Or something ridiculously cheesy like that.

It’s official: next fall, I will be living in Jersey City, New Jersey, which is a mere subway ride under the Hudson River to New York City (yes, I said UNDER). As soon as I received the news, I started making mental bucket lists of all that I want to do, sites I want to see, and—hardest thing of all—places I want to eat.

You hear of all the stereotypical NYC desserts that everyone needs to try when they visit, and for most people, eating those foods is a fun experience in and of itself. For me, though, it’s not quite so simple.

For me, it will be simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying because I will be fulfilling a dream while also trying to conquer my ultimate demon. Each bite, each new taste of “unsafe” foods, will be a stroke on the canvas, a newly added color swirling with fear and triumph, with tormented thoughts and trembling perseverance.

Each time I choose to say yes, to experience the sweet treats instead of hiding away in my comfort zone, I see new colors emerge, new textures appear as I both create and uncover who I am and who I want to be.

Each little bite is a step towards becoming fully Sarah, not the shell of Sarah taken over by her eating disorder.

So for me, this list is the most important of all: my bucket list of F-you’s to ED:

1. Eileen's Cheesecake

2. Stax Ice Cream Cremella

3. Berlina at Dulcinea

4. Chip NYC Cookie

5. Ferrara Bakery Cannoli

6. Gossip Coffee Donutccino

7. Union Fare Bakery Croissant

8. Ring Ding Bar

9. DŌ Cookie Dough

10. Magnolia Bakery Ice Cream Whoopie

11. Levain Bakery Cookie

12. Dominique Ansel Bakery Cookie Shot

13. Dominique Ansel Bakery Frozen S’more

14. Magnolia Bakery Banana Pudding

15. Dominique Ansel Bakery Cronut

16. Sweet Churros

17. Made by Pauline Macarons

18. Doughnuttery’s Baby Doughnuts

19. Baked by Melissa’s Bite-Sized Cupcakes

20. Sprinkles Cupcake ATM