Let's get one thing straight right off the bat. The negative stigma surrounding friend dumping is ridiculous. While I totally understand the desire to be respectful of other people’s feelings, it's an entirely different thing to allow someone to treat you poorly without defending yourself.
I've heard time and time again from friends that they are unhappy with their relationships with other people, but refuse to confront them or stop hanging out with them because they “don’t want to seem mean.” This stock statement makes me cringe beyond belief.
Firstly, if someone you consider yourself close with does not treat you well, then that person does not deserve you. Spending your limited time and precious attention on someone who does not deserve either is a waste and a shame for both of you. Getting out of a negative friend situation is an exercise of self-care and that, in itself, is not enough to make you “mean.”
Secondly, I am sick and tired of people using the words “hurtful” and “mean” as if they’re synonyms (and yes, I know that Thesaurus.com says they are). Hurtful and mean are not alike in meaning and the difference between the two is very important. While both cause harm, only “mean” intends harm. Which leads me to one of the most important sentences of this article: not everything that is hurtful is also mean. Sure, letting go of someone who impacts your life negatively is bound to hurt that person and that, by definition, makes friend dumping hurtful. However, if done properly, friend dumping doesn't have to be mean. So, I decided that it's time to talk about the appropriate situations, times and ways to free your life of negative people.
The first step to letting go of a friend is realizing that they are not treating you well. There are several signs that a friendship is one-sided, so I've compiled a list of just a few here.
Firstly, if your friend never texts you first, or you're the one always making plans to get together, then you deserve better. If they really care about you, then they should make an effort to talk to/spend time with you.
Secondly, if your friend repeatedly does not respond to you in a timely manner, apologizing with any variation of “Sorry, I was busy” when they finally get back to you, then you deserve better. There is no such thing as being too busy for someone you care about. You make time for what's important to you. Likely, you are just as busy as they are, but you are trying to make time for them while they aren't even making an effort. If that's the case, then they clearly don't value your friendship as much as you do.
Thirdly, if your friend constantly forgets vital information about you, then you deserve better. I'm not saying that all of your friends should be able to rattle off arbitrary facts like your hometown, birth date and middle name at the drop of a hat. I'm talking about the important details you've shared with them, such as your hopes and dreams, or fears and worries. Your true friends will make an effort to know you in depth.
Fourthly, if your friend ever makes you feel dis-included, then you deserve better. That one is pretty self-explanatory.
Lastly, if your friend plays on your insecurities in any way, however small or subtle, then you deserve better. Anytime you're sharing your insecurities with someone, you are trusting them enough to show vulnerability. If that person then gives even the slightest indication that he or she can't be trusted with that kind of information, then he or she doesn't deserve to know you like that.
Once you've spotted one of the signs of a negative friendship, the next step is to confront your friend about it. I have to say that there are really no tricks to this. The best way to talk to someone about a problem you have with them is to talk to someone about a problem you have with them. If you don't discuss the issue, then it's likely that the situation will escalate and end up hurting both of you. In my friendships, I find it extremely frustrating when the other person lets an issue build up without telling me about it, because the resulting blow-up and fall-out could have been prevented by a quick conversation.
For a while after the conversation, pay attention to how that friend now treats you. If nothing has changed, then it's time to get that person out of your life. There are two ways to do this. If you're not really that close in the first place, then you can try not contacting them for a while, allowing them to drift out of your life. However, if you're close, then your friend deserves an explanation. Be honest with them, let them know why you do not want to be friends with them anymore and wish them well. Do not simply ignore the person, because that is going to make him or her waste their time and energy trying to figure out what went wrong, which is incredibly disrespectful on your part. Don't be passive aggressive either, because, again, this is a time-waster (as well as being super immature).
The moral of the story: just be honest with people. Respect yourself and respect others. Sometimes you have to put yourself first, which is okay as long as you are respecting the other person’s feelings. Lastly, this issue could be avoided altogether if everyone was just good to their friends. I mean, jeez. It's really not that hard to have someone's back, guys.
