Life is hard. Anxiety is hard. Depression is hard. My name is Jessica and here's my story.
(P.S. to those who say that your 20's are the best years of your life, you're full of shit).
Little back story on me: I feel like most of my life I've suffered from mild depression. I've been through some stuff, some of which I've dealt (or not) with on my own. I'm from a small town in Indiana, went to college and graduated in August of 2018 with a Health Science degree. Unsure of what I wanted to do with my life (still am), living up to the expectation that I had to go to college and get a 9-5 job was important to me because I've always been told that is what I was "supposed" to do. I always want to make other people happy (which is probably how I ended up here in the first place).
My anxiety and depression started to worsen after I graduate college. I'm $30,000 in debt and I still have no clear or direct vision of what I want to do with my career. It's normal to feel some anxiety after graduation, I knew that. It's when it started to control my entire life I knew something was wrong, but of course I tried to not think about it. The more I ignored the signs and symptoms, the worse it got.
I constantly felt like there was 1,000 pounds just sitting on my shoulders and chest and there was absolutely nothing I could do to get relief. I cried daily and most of the time I had no idea why. I was sad ALL OF THE TIME. I felt like a failure, a loser, and a disappointment. It didn't matter how much sleep I got, I was always exhausted. I had no appetite at all. I never wanted to get out bed because being asleep was the only time I wasn't hurting. My depression got to the point where I avoided talking to friends and family because I didn't have the energy to pretend like I was happy anymore. When my boyfriend would get home from work I would go into our closet and shut the door so he wouldn't see or hear me cry. Putting a smile on my face felt like a full time job. My depression wasn't the type of depression where I wanted to end my life, however, I wanted the pain to stop no matter what it took.
The thing about depression is that it can affect anyone and everyone. It's not like I didn't have a support system or goals or things to look forward to, because I did. I had so many people that I could have reached out to talk to, but I didn't because that is what depression does. I felt embarrassed and was shameful of the feelings I was having. Depression is so frustrating because you feel so sad, yet most of the time you don't even know why (or at least that's how it was with me). I felt so alone because no one around me understood. If you have never dealt with severe depression, you don't understand... Heck, I didn't even understand and I was the one going through it.
Fast forward to a few months later, my niece was born which was probably one of the best days of my 23 years of life. When I held her for the first time something changed. I felt this unconditional love that I had never felt before. After leaving the hospital the day she was born, I remember thinking to myself "she deserves a aunt." For the next month or so when I would visit her, hold her, or feed her it was the only time I felt some kind of relief. I would just stare at her with admiration (I still do) and think how lucky I was to be a part of her life. She made me smile without any sort of force. She made me want to be better for her.
About a month or so later, I sorta-kinda expressed to my mom and sister how I'd been feeling. Of course, I made it seem like it wasn't as big of a deal as I truly knew it was, but they knew. I was so against going to the doctor, but they convinced me to give it a try. I was so against medication because it made me feel like less of a person. I thought "what kind of person are you if you can't get your own shit figured out." Essentially, depression is a chemical imbalance (way too complex for me to go into too much detail) and sometimes you need medication to level the chemicals out in your brain. During my appointment I couldn't help but imagine if things continued the way they were, I would miss out on SO much of my life, my nieces life and that just wasn't fair to myself or her. I wanted/want to be the best aunt to her because she deserves that.
I agreed to try medication and have been on it for about 4 months now, and it has been my saving grace. Sure, I still have some rough days but nothing like it was before. I am happier. I can smile and actually mean it. I can belly laugh again (my favorite). Most days I can get out of bed and not dread the day, and most importantly I can be the best aunt. I truly believe God knew what he was doing when he created my niece. I will go to my grave believing God placed her in my life to save me. If it wasn't for her, I truly don't know where I'd be today.
Here's a little something I have learned from all of this: it truly is okay to not be okay. If you need help, GET THE HELP. PLEASE. Fight for yourself, because you deserve to live a BEAUTIFUL and HAPPY life.
Sharing my story has been extremely difficult for me, but I know there is someone out there looking for someone to understand what they are going through. Someone out there is in so much pain that it seems unbearable and I want you to know that I am here. I get it. Someone out there is feeling just as lost, alone, and ashamed like I was. Plus, part of the healing process for me is being able to talk about my journey.
There is this stereotype that when you're young you have nothing to worry about or to be sad about. STOP THIS! This is why people (including me) don't speak up when they dealing with depression, because the world makes people feel like failures when they are struggling. I will ALWAYS be here for anyone (with zero judgment) suffering from depression so please don't hesitate to reach out to me.
***A special thank you to my family for being there for me in such a dark time in my life. You all truly saved me.
XOXO
1-800-273-8255 (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline)
