I'm not one for clickbait titles, but depression ruined my life.

If someone hurts my feelings, I have no shame in wishing upon them the sensation of 1,000 lost sneezes. I'll hope they get hit in the ankle by a Razor scooter. I would never wish upon my worst enemy the feeling of sadness that I am stuck with on a daily basis.

Depression runs in my family. It was kind of a given that I'd end up with it, but even that couldn't mentally prepare me for the wave of deepness that was thrusted upon me. I used to be full of life. I was a good student in school. I had amazing friends. I fell in love. I had dreams to be an actress. I wanted to change the world.

I would get more run down during the winter season, so I just thought I had Seasonal Affective Disorder. Most people do, and it's understandable: low vitamin D levels. However, I was diagnosed with clinical depression upon visitation to a doctor. My vitamin D levels were at an all-time low, and the doctors were so concerned that I was instantly put on a supplement and told I need to be outside more often. So I thought this is just something that would pass. My family members with it seemed so strong from their experiences, so I thought I'd just live through a little sadness and be on my merry way. Boy, did my life take a turn.

I failed classes. My friends abandoned me. I lost the love of my life. I couldn't get out of bed. I had to move home and go to a school closer to my house. There was a force holding me down and convincing me I didn't need to go to class or work. I wouldn't be any help. The small amount of hope and motivation I had left was being drained out of my body by the minute.

I always explain my depression with the analogy of a toddler. It's constantly attached to you at the hip. Sometimes, it’s okay. It spends some time calmly absorbing the scenery. However, once it sees something to trigger it, it jumps. It’s tugging on your shirt sleeve and grabbing at your leg. It's pulling you downward. It begins the questioning. Why this? Why that? WHY? and suddenly you are so overwhelmed with questions and you’re drained because the questions and wonderings are being asked faster than you can process it. And you try and think on the question, but they’re still being asked. It’s a never ending cycle of “why? why? why?” until you keep asking why and never find your own solution. All while pulling you downward. It feels like an elephant has been placed on your shoulders. Everything is assumed to be the worst. Everything is why.

Have I gotten better? Of course. Am I still suffering? You can bet your bottom-dollar I am. Feeling like this has caused a new motivation to grow inside me: a motivation to fight the stigma. If you know someone who claims to be depressed, please don't try and tell them how much harder your life is going. It will cause the depressed to feel even more guilty, and guilt doesn't sit well with sadness.

I'm not the person I was a few years ago. I miss the old me that was so full of happiness and belief in the world. Now she's gone and doesn't appear to be making a comeback. However, the new me is here to fight the stigma of depression and all mental illness for that matter. Malcom X said it best: "When I is replaced by we, even illness becomes wellness"

I hope you'll help me fight the stigma.