I don't understand why you had to come into my life. I was happy before you, I look back at pictures and wish that I could feel that genuine emotion again. You make me think that I never will. And I hate you for that.
I hate you. I hate you with every ounce of my body. You make me feel so low. People who don't have depression don't understand — I know because I used to be one of those people.
I never used to feel anything but joy. I was on top of the world. I was the person who could never understand how people could stay in their dark rooms and never want to leave. Then life happened, I blinked and three of my favorite people in the world died in a matter of 7 months. That does a lot to a person. It completely destroyed me. It was like every time I got back on my feet and said I was okay, I got hit right back down.
In a matter of months, I realized that I had fluctuated weight, one week I had lost seven pounds which I didn't think was possible. Then in two weeks, I had gained those pounds back and more. I missed so much school that once I went back, I didn't know if I would be able to graduate.
My whole life just was stuck on pause, because of you. You decided my every move. You got inside of my head and made me see the world so negatively. The absolute worst part of dealing with depression was feeling so alone, even when I was with people.
I was physically there. I did what everyone said. They said "go out", and I did. They said "don't sit in the dark all day", so I turned on the lights. But, it didn't work. I felt myself going deeper and deeper into the hole.
I realized one day that I couldn't live like this. No one wants to be depressed, it just happens. We are left feeling vulnerable and defenseless.
But Depression, the reality is, this is MY life.
I realized that I couldn't keep doing this, I saw what was happening to me, and I knew that I wanted to live my life. I thought of my future and what I wanted. I didn't have a big list, but I knew that I wanted to feel happy again. I didn't know where to start. I felt as if you had manifested inside my heart. But I just wanted to go back to the old me.
I never would've diagnosed myself with depression. My life was fine. I had a good at home life, we were financially stable, I got straight A's, and I had never shown any symptoms of depression. But that's the thing. People like me, who are in denial about their depression can't see their own signs. I couldn't tell the difference between being sad and being depressed, I just turned completely numb.
Depression is weird.
When I was told I had it, I was in denial. But then things started to make sense. I saw how I was showing the signs and symptoms. I acknowledge the fact that I had it — or have it. The thing is, Depression doesn't just go away overnight and I keep forgetting that.
I'm at a better place now, where I go periods of time without feeling depressed, so my mind says I don't have it anymore. But then it sneaks back up on me, and I realize that it's a long process and battle.
There's nothing wrong with having depression.
There's nothing wrong with me. I'm proud of the place that I've come from, and the place I'm in now. It's just hard when you think you've escaped it, and finally feel okay again, and then you just don't. The key is to just not give up, to realize what's going on to you, and to accept that you have it. When I start to feel that low again I really struggle, because I see such a difference in the person I was when I had it severely and the person I am now. I just tell myself that to feel the highest of highs, you have to, unfortunately, feel the lowest of lows.
What keeps me going, is knowing that I have a purpose on this Earth. I'm not sure what it is, to be frank with you. But I want to find it. People are placed on this Earth to do something. I think it's for more than just to be born and die, it's to help others, or impact someone's life. I know that there's a reason I'm here, and I'm going to find out what it is. There's a reason you're here, you have a purpose.