As each month begins the new promise of fun, adventure, and merry making are abundant but lurking in the corner is the foe that most women must face. Most people know it as mother nature's gift, the red tide, Aunt Flo, the "Thank God I'm not pregnant" signal, but I have more recently come to terms with the fact that it is also something else. Your period is a dementor, and the patronus comes in many forms, but for most, it's Midol.
Think about it. You feel their approach. You're confused and panicky. You feel that constant little thing that just isn't right. Why am I eating a whole bag of potato chips at 2am and crying?
I asked some friends what they hate about periods, and you'll be totally unsurprised to hear that not a single one of them tried to defend the menstral cycle.
"I hate that it always seems to line up with major life events and vacations."
"Insomnia, general fatigue, not being able to get through a workout without absolute death... Like you lose all ability to get through a normal workout?!"
"The bloating"
"BUYING TAMPS!! Omg hate it. I am seriously considering the diva cup or the period panties!!"
"You feel forever unclean"
"They make me more psychotic than I actually am."
And one of my personal favorites, "You gain 5 pounds without even trying and you just feel like a big Beluga whale."
General consensus: We. Hate. Periods. But no one told me that they hated having to deal with the dementor inside them every month, which lead me to believe that none of them actually knew this fact! If you have experienced a period before, and know about Harry Potter (if you don't know anything about HP... where have you been living -under a stupid rock?!) then you will read the following and wonder how you've never realized it before now.
1. They seem exciting the first time you hear about them.
They’re mysterious and you want to know more. Don’t worry. You learn fast. It only takes one attempted murder to get you knowing the truth.
2. You are never sure exactly when they will appear
3. They make you feel like you’ll never be cheerful again
4. They are creepy and terrifying if you think about them too much. Or at all.
5. They are described so beautifully in writing that sometimes you wonder how they’re so terrible
6. They suck the life out of you
7. They make you question everything that is right about the world. Everything before, during, and after encountering them is just a giant shit show.
8. Chocolate helps. It really helps.
9. They make you wonder if dying would be easier. Like why do I keep fighting these things? I’m tired of using my patronus. Just end me and let’s be done with it.
10. Honestly, Azkaban might be more fun.
In the end, you dream of the day that you can be free of them. Yeah it may mean menopause with hot flashes and mood swings and a whole slew of craziness like that, but part of you dreams of that day far off on the horizon when you no longer have to involuntarily bleed every month. But for now there is nothing you can do about the dementor inside you. No matter how hard you wish that it would just go away and leave you alone it's not going anywhere.
So grab that chocolate, get your own personal patronus, and keep on keepin' on, until that day that you're a free elf.
