"Does this outfit look OK? Uggggh, I hate my hair. Why am I so awkward? I can't post that selfie. Does this girl really think I'm cute? I'm never going to be popular!"

Ahh, the shallow musings of adolescence: the self-absorbed, socially-obsessed, trying-oh-so-hard-but-it's-never-good-enough mentality that plagues our teenage years. These are the ridiculous thoughts that have been racing through my brain lately—but I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm 32 years old.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm going through a phase called "gay adolescence," or "delayed adolescence." I'm finally hitting the natural coming-of-age milestones that heteronormativity denied me as a queer teenager in Michigan.

While my straight peers in high school were talking openly about their crushes, discovering their sense of fashion, and naturally developing their social circles, I was obsessed with hiding who I was. To add insult to injury, my family put me in "pray-the-gay-away" therapy from ages 16 to 18, and I wasn't allowed to go away to college.

This is not to say that every young LGBTQ+ person has this experience, or that everyone else has a profound sense of self by age 20. On the contrary. It's just that the young lesbian I stuffed away years ago is still inside somewhere, begging to come out.

Don't get me wrong. Today, I've already navigated a lot of weird coming out stages, I have plenty of queer friends, and my family accepts me. I graduated from college, was married to an incredible woman (and amicably divorced), I've worked with LGBTQ+ youth for years, traveled from coast to coast doing drag shows, and I'm building a pretty damned cool life in Los Angeles.

But through all of this, my queer self-expression has never been fleshed out, and I don't know what that would look like for me. My gut tells me to shave my head, cover myself in rainbows, and shout from the rooftops that I'm a lesbian: a hallmark of gay adolescence.

So here I am, 32 years old, adulting and "teenaging" all at once. I'm finally living for myself, and this mentality hit me out of nowhere. I'm strangely obsessed with what I wear and do. I'm self-conscious in ways I haven't been in years, and giggly around girls. I'm talkative and eager, and I can feel myself being such a teenager, but heaven help me, I can't stop it.

I must admit though, that it's beautiful too. I'm finding my spirituality. I'm making great friends. I'm learning so much about myself and my sexuality. My creativity has found a new outlet in my clothing and make-up. I'm finally getting a chic, androgynous short haircut that I've wanted since I was 16, and I'm making it a point to stop and have fun.

Shoot, I recommend a bit of a delayed adolescence to anyone. Self-discovery is an ongoing process, self-care is important, and adulting is hard. Besides, maybe a delayed adolescence at 32 could prevent a midlife crisis at 40.

Actual candid photo of my date and me before prom. We both had girlfriends at the time. He's still an awesome human, and this is still my favorite pic from that night. Photo credit: Author