Anyone who travels throughout the vast and beautiful lands that encompass the Western United States is sure to encounter many beautiful things. The majestic rocky mountains of Colorado, the rolling golden hills of California, the smoke filled R.V’s, tents and disheveled basements of the pacific northwest and of course…well…Arizona. However, the most important thing that every traveler learns is that each area and city has their own style, their own flavors and smells that seemingly permeate every facet of life as, say, an Oregonian, or even someone better. Most importantly, every university campus carries a bit of their area’s personality with them, endowing their students with a certain identity that those graduates can now carry out into the world like so many Stanford-ites skipping excitedly towards a cheese plate. And where will these ex-students go? Why, to the bar of course! This is why we at the Odyssey, after spending countless months and millions of tax-payer dollars, and have decided to compile a select list of cocktails and drinks that, should you choose to drink them, will give you a definitive taste of that school’s respective culture. Starting with…
1. COLORADO
Colorado is a special land. Nobody knows much
about this snow school, though there are rumors that they wrestle live bears
for sport wearing nothing more than homemade-mittens and the occasional
snowshoe. This university used to be observable via spy plane, but recently has
descended into a dense smoke cloud of Vesuvius-like proportions.
Due to this mystery and inherent sketchiness Colorado’s now-official cocktail is: A Strange Amber Liquid Handed To You By A Toothless Man Named Cletus (Add: Two Parts Lighter Fluid, One Part Engine Cleaner, a Dash of Hash Oil, Shake and leave in a Small Mountain Shack to Ferment, Serve in a Mason Jar or Old Campbell’s Soup Can). Locals swear by it, and Cletus insists that “It’ll getcha drunk!”, but the rest of the country just doesn’t seem to understand and would much rather drink something more common, palatable and less fatal.
2. STANFORD
Ahhhh Stanford, your mascot is a tree. It’s a
tree. Anyway, Stanford is a bastion of prestige and wealth, meaning that they
have really nothing to say at parties. That being said, a proper Stanford bar
will be stocked with the finest in rare vintages, finger foods and enough
ascots and handkerchiefs to stop a charging Rhinoceros.
Due to the inherent snootiness and wealth needed for a proper Stanfordian bar drink, their new official drink is: A Fine 1978 Bourdeaux Cabernet Served In Your Small Silver Spoon (Add: One part Bourdeaux, Poured over your personal silver spoon by one of your many household staff). This mixture of privilege and pure melted money should leave you feeling delightfully entitled and ready to bust open that trust fund! Nobody really cares for the taste, but they’ll pretend to because it makes them seem fancy or cultured at networking events and dinner parties. Either way: GO TREES OR SOMETHING!
3. OREGON
People get parched sometimes, especially if they
are speeding down the road in an overcrowded bandwagon!
That’s why the official drink of Oregon is: Good Ole ’Merican Bud Light! (Measure 8 oz. Dog Urine into a can, Store under the stairs of a dusty frat house, Shake well and Serve warm). This drink can be found everywhere. Even people that hate it (and there are so so many) will imbibe, lured in by impressive advertising and sponsorships. Your friends will try to tell you it’s good, but they should not be scolded for they know no better and they only like it because it’s always around and it gets you drunk. And no matter what fancy packaging it comes in or how prevalent the brand seems to be, it’ll always leave a bad taste in your mouth, forcing you to question why it’s so popular.
4. OREGON STATE
This one’s for those of you that like to swim
upstream, a niche taste only enjoyed by a select few.
That’s right, Oregon State’s official drink is: The Duck Fart (1/2 oz Kahlua, ½ oz Bailey’s, ½ oz Jack Daniels, 6 oz Distinct Inferiority Complex). There are so many other options, but you’ll find that a small number of people in your life will swear by this one. And sure! Once in a while it looks fun or interesting due to it being different and it even has a cute name! Unfortunately the bar next door is so much more stylish and popular and it’s becoming harder and harder to get this cocktail. However, no need to worry! Let the mainstream have their fun! This drink is best had at home alone anyway, who needs to be popular? Right?
5. ARIZONA STATE
WOOOOOO, college! They said you couldn’t do it
but you did! Who said you need good grades or test scores to go to college! Not
you guys! Go Sun-Devils! Arizona State is the dumb ginger-haired little sister
of the Pac-12 but DAMN IS IT A GOOD LOOKING GINGER.
These party-girls got lucky for this list because we have allowed them to have the official drink of their people: JUNGLE JUICE (Mix equal parts vodka and literally whatever else you can find in a square mile radius, serve in a sticky unwashed twelve year-old cooler). This drink is beautiful because all mixers are allowed! Nobody is turned away at the door when building a jungle juice. Soda? Juice? Grenadine? Let ’em in! A old bottle of your grandmother’s perfume? Sure, it could be an undiscovered flavor! An old gym socked stuffed inside of an oven mitt? Yeah it’ll add texture! As long as it looks good nothing is turned away from Arizona State Jungle Juice.
6. UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA
Now, I will agree that U of A is a different
school than Arizona State. I mean, they’re obviously different in so many ways!
I mean, they have a… a different… a different name! And the cultures are SO
vastly diff… or, well, not completely identical!
That is why the official drink of the University of Arizona is the Mai Thai! (Take some jungle juice and put it in a fancy (plastic) hurricane glass, add an umbrella because you are a completely unique snowflake!). When drinking a mai thai you will always be uniquely and originally from the University of Arizona State! Wait is that right... whatever.
7. UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON
Ahhh, the state of Washington, California’s
stoned hipster uncle. No one really knows about your school, Washington, and
for that matter when I asked about you the best real response I got was
“Well…it’s a…uh…commuter school”. Now, while it may be possible that you have
simply forgotten to propagate any of your interesting stereotypes due to
collapsing into a magnificent cloud of legal marijuana (you bastards…) I have
to give you a drink anyway so here it is!
My contractually obligated via my editor-in-chief drink pick for the University of Washington is A STARBUCKS CUP FULL OF RAINWATER (leave your latte cup out in the rain for three days, grasp at some straws and drink it through that) because stereotypes! WOOHOO!!!
8. WASHINGTON STATE
Who? I don’t know… STRAIGHT VODKA… I guess. Maybe Gin?
9. UCLA
Aww UCLA you are so cute with your baby blue
colors and don’t tell me your mascot is a baby bear. Oh it’s a Bruin? THAT
BRUIN IS SO CUTE! Do you cuddle with it at night when you can’t sleep
and, and, and… oh man, I am so sorry, where was I? Oh right, drinks.
Yes, because UCLA is the adorable little brother of CAL and I, as a Cal student, feel a protective almost maternal urge to tuck UCLA into bed and read them a bedtime story we have deemed the official drink of UCLA to be A Nice Warm Cup of Hot Cocoa (1 Part Hot Cocoa to 2 Parts Patronizing Over-Affection, garnish with highly sarcastic undertones and a shit-eating grin).
10. USC
BE CAREFUL! Going to the USC campus can be
dangerous. Whoever early on thought that putting a hyper-rich private school in
the middle of the ghetto either had balls of pure wrought iron or was history’s
biggest douche of a prankster. It’s as if someone intended to build a new
beautiful SEC school complete with rich white housewives and mint juleps but
somehow got sidetracked and ended up in that
part of LA. It’s a known fact that USC
students take vacations in war-torn Baghdad just to get away from the
ever-present danger. This element of risk at all times has led to the USC
student population partying like no one has ever partied before because, hey,
it could all end at any time.
That is why USC’s new official drink is the WHITE RUSSIAN (Mix equal parts vodka, Kahlua and milk, Remove any errant shrapnel and serve cold). This drink has enough alcohol to ward off any thoughts of your impending doom while also reminding any local Crips or Bloods that by drinking a gray cocktail, you are neutral…
11. CAL
Cal carries an obviously (obviously) biased place in my heart, but that does not protect my
beautiful and intelligent school from necessary judgment. No, while I would
like to say that the Cal official drink is the multiple screaming orgasm (a
real drink!) or something of that ilk, I regret to say that Berkeley is not all
cocaine and roses. However, that does not mean we don’t have a good special
drink!
Not at all, in fact, Cal has my favorite drink on this whole list, and that’s because the official Berkeley drink is the ADIOS MOTHER-F*&%ER (2 Part ALL THE ALCOHOL to 1 Part LITERALLY PUNCHING YOUR LIVER IN THE FACE). This drink is wonderful because not only does it enact a full-scale napalm strike against your vital organs, but it also has a special quality that, when mixed with Berkeley sea air, forms a brawny adhesive which comes in especially handy when struggling to keep your Berkeley goggles in place. Yes, this drink is necessary for any young Berkeleyites struggling with this town's, er, lack of aesthetic prowess.
12. UTAH
One thing everybody knows about Utah? That they
like to FREAKING RAGE! Yes sir, you know when you’re headed to a Utah party
you’re in for a barely contained blood-orgy of sex and debauchery. And what do
these crazed Utah-ites to keep the party going into the wee hours of the
morning?
Why, that would be the official drink of Utah: WHOLE F&*$#@G MILK!!! (Mix 1 Part Whole Milk to 2 Parts advanced sexual repression, serve in that nice glass one of your sister-moms sent you for Pioneer day). With this specialized Utah concoction of Whole F&*$#@g Milk you can be assured that a night of face-raging is nigh, just make sure you bring your extra pair of holy underwear cause things are about…to get…wild…
