Dearest Daniel,

When I picked you out from the local Walmart pet department, I honestly will admit I was not expecting much. You were in a tank filled with several other Black Moor Goldfish, seemingly similar to the rest of your brethren. Having had pet fish as a younger Becca, I tried to make my best judgement on which fish to get. My sappy sentiments probably drove the poor exhausted teen working the fish department insane as he hunched over on the precariously placed ladder to scoop you out. At long last, you ended up in a plastic bag with your two other siblings and we were on our way to the check-out line with new tank and supplies in tow.

Growing up, getting a pet fish was an exciting occasion for me. Naming them was even more exciting! I can still remember the day I picked out my first goldfish and with much gusto christened him with the oh so clever name of Corner. Why Corner you may be wondering? Well, the newly named Corner always swam to the corner of the plastic bag we brought him home in so I thought the name was simply meant to be.

My mom, amazingly, did not and still has not let me forget about it.

Anyways, with this amazing track record of naming in line, I decided to present you with the name "Dan," after a cartoon character I had watched growing up. To be fair to myself, my roommate and her friend named your siblings "Spock" and "Nacho," so you were in good company. Taking you home that night was an exciting experience, we set up your tank and watched you, Spock, and Nacho swim around happily in your new home. It mended some of the cracks that homesickness caused in a way for me. I missed my dog terribly so it was wonderful to have a pet again.

Now I should probably explain more about your namesake, something that I found to be amusing at the time. You were named after a cartoon character I had watched growing up from the TV show Dan Vs. Your namesake always tried to find ways to get revenge on the inconveniences in his life ranging from the DMV to the entire state of New Mexico. It wasn't a secret that your namesake was considered, in nicer terms, to be commonly compared to a donkey. Though you were named after a jerk, I definitely wasn't expecting any other similarities to follow.

I was very wrong.

Dan, the fact that you have been suspected for the murder of not only Nacho and Spock, but Spock's replacement Kirk is alarming. You must have a thing against Hispanic cuisine and Star Trek characters. Heck, maybe you just wanted the entire tank for yourself. That is very plausible because I find you to be the most active when you are in there alone.

Is that what you wanted Dan? To be labeled as a fish murderer? Did your time in Walmart change you? Did you spend your time swimming back in forth plotting your revenge against the fish species?

The fact that you are the only fish alive after three deaths is both amazing and suspicious. Despite this, you are an active little son of a gun. You spend the majority of your day fighting the water filter in your tank. You swim against it like a determined salmon trying to fight its way upstream. Where are you trying to go? Off to find more victims? You also have developed a love for pushing your entire scaly face against the corner of your tank. Do you know how plastic works? You can't swim through them you little fishy weirdo. You can not possibly fight everything in your tank, it is not a healthy way to relieve stress. Take up some yoga instead.

Another thing I have noticed is that you take great joy in giving me heart attacks. You are not a dog, you are a fish. Given that fact, you can stop trying to play dead please. Just floating there listlessly does nothing but startle me. After half a year with you in my life, I have grown attached to your stupid little fish self. Dan, if you give me a heart attack for real, who is going to feed your silly fish face? My roommate certainly is not after she suspects you of murdering her two Star Trek fish.

In the end, I am happy you are here. You give me amusement on days that I am dying from exhaustion. I never thought that having a pet fish would be this hectic, but you have proved me wrong. Though you are named after a big jerk, and display similar characteristics, I find you to be a good dorm room companion.

Thanks for being a big jerkface.

Love,

Your agitated but amused owner.