Dear Younger Self,

It's me... well, you actually. There are a few things I wanna say to you but first is an apology. In some ways, I feel like I've failed you. I'm trying really hard, I promise that I am. I think I just underestimated how hard this would be. For that, I'm sorry.

If I could have warned you about what you'll go through, I sometimes wonder if I would've. If I could, maybe I would've tried to find a way to remind you that it will be okay, even though it's going to be really scary. You see, you're gonna go through hell. You're going to get sick, really sick. You're going to have to battle for your life at some points. You're going to feel alone, scared, and you'll feel like your life isn't worth living. Some days it will feel never-ending; like the world is just crashing down on top of you.

You'll look in the mirror and you won't be able to recognize yourself on the bad days. You're gonna find out who your true friends are when the fake ones are weeded out. You're going to spend a lot of time in the hospital, trying to figure out why your mind and your body aren't working properly. You'll spend days under the covers, trying to find a way out of this hole of the pain and the depression. You're going to drop out of high school a few times, but the right people will help you find your way back.

Your life will be worth living eventually, I promise. You're going to see some amazing things after you pull through.

You're going to meet your baby cousin and he will become the light of your life. He was a miracle, so you'll begin to believe in miracles again. You're going to get the right diagnosis, proper treatment, and you're gonna feel better than ever for a while. Your best friend just had a baby and soon you'll be able to watch that little girl grow up.

There are obstacles you will overcome, I promise. You will learn how to walk again. You will learn to hold a fork again and talk again and do all of those little things you take for granted. You will survive this, no matter how hard it gets. You will survive 100% of your bad days.

But believe me when I say, it will get worse before it gets better... a lot worse. The second time around is gonna feel like the end of the world. You'll be okay though, I know that for a fact. You're gonna meet some amazing new people in places you'd never believe. You'll decide on a career and be so excited to pursue it. It might take every ounce of strength you have and you might feel so drained and tired, but it is going to be worth it.

The second time you get sick, you'll wonder if you're ever going to get better. During some moments, the hours of pain and anxiety will seem endless. You'll rip your hair out, lay on the floor crying, and just wish you were dead. You'll go weeks without showering and months without leaving the house. You'll spend more time crying than laughing. You're gonna feel like you've lost yourself. Essentially, you're going to get in the car and you'll come back a different person.

As I'm writing this to you, it still isn't over yet. Life is sort of better than it was six months ago, but we still have a long road ahead. You're going to hit some heavy emotional trials that will be a test of faith. Grandpa will get cancer and pass away, you'll almost lose your home, several family members will pass away. It's going to be unimaginable.

As I said, I feel like I owe you an apology. I promised that it would never get this bad again and that wasn't true. I know what you'd say to that; it isn't in my control and it isn't my fault. Still, I wish you had brighter times to look forward to.

It's hard to look at an old photo of you, well, me. When I look at it, all I can see is the pain that's on its way. I still see childhood in you, happiness and a sense of purity. I guess life washes that away from all of us eventually, I just wish you could've learned earlier on what I've just now learned. But if that were possible, I don't think we'd be as far as we are today.

The truth is, I don't know what the future will hold. I don't know what will happen to your health or happiness after this. What I do know is that I'm gonna keep trying. I'll keep fighting for you. As I always say 'I haven't met a battle that I couldn't win.' It'll be hard, but I think we might just win this war.

Maybe it's best that you don't know what is coming. If you did, I don't think you'd let yourself live to see it happen. I don't think you would've kept fighting if you knew you'd get sick again; if you knew the horrible things that were on their way. So, in some ways, I guess I'm glad you won't ever read this.

One final word though. I need you to be okay. I need you to know that you aren't alone. I need you to remember that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I need you to beat this.

For me. For you.