Dear Straight People *cough*dudes*cough* At The Gay Bar,
Stop.
No seriously, stahp.
Or at least dial it down. A lot.
Because when you live in a town like Bellingham, Washington — with only the single gay bar to provide a public space for queer people to just kick back and queer out about it — you’re killing the gayness.
As a woman, I’ve never been hit on more aggressively than at the gay bar — but never by women. And when I say “aggressively hit on,” I don’t mean by bisexual men either. I mean the straight, bro-dudes who specifically come to the gay bar to find unsuspecting women. It’s gotten so bad I’ve developed a specific system for when I’m dancing with my lady-friends (who aren’t looking to pick up dudes at the gay bar):
- The minute Unwanted Bro approaches, create a barrier between Unwanted Bro and my friend. Shake head vigorously and point him to the door, all while dancing.
- If Unwanted Bro persists (95% likelihood to attempt), make eye contact with the bouncer and point at Unwanted Bro and then at door.
- Continue dancing while Unwanted Bro gets removed.
This system works effectively in any bar or club. But why do I feel I need to have a system to go to the gay bar to safely dance with a group of lady-friends here?
Bottom line, it’s not really the gay bar’s fault. In Bellingham, they’ve put in fair game to steer their place queer. The problem seems to be all the straight people, especially straight men, who want to go to the gay bar to have a “wild” and “promiscuous” time. People associate queer culture with the tired trope that gay people, and specifically gay men, lead rampantly sexual and party-oriented lives. Sure, some gays get down. But that doesn’t make this your space to let out your freakiest hetero side. It’s still the gaaay bar.
No one is saying that straight people can’t be at the gay bar. But please recognize that this isn’t your place to flaunt your sexuality, Straight People. Your space is literally everywhere else, in every other bar, woven into the historical tapestry of our culture, and literally never questioned or disrespected by systems of power.
So for all the straight folks that want to go to the gay bar: welcome! Here are some Do’s and Don’t’s I urge you to follow (based on real experiences):
1. Do bring friends or partners of any orientation, gender, race, or religion!
Everyone is definitely allowed to have a great time and get groovy with anyone (except Nazis. No Nazis.)
2. Don’t come to events like Drag Queen Night or Fetish Night and try to mock the participants trying to have a gay ol’ time.
If you’ve come to the gay bar, you do not get to mock queer culture or the queer people enjoying it.
3. Do dance like nobody’s business.
Boogie, fool! We’re definitely here to party!
4. Don’t become aggressive if someone of the same gender as you tries to hit on you.
At the gay bar, your default orientation automatically sets to Probably Queer. It’s your job to politely tell people otherwise, if you choose. A gay man doesn’t get to verbally or physically abuse a woman who hits on him mistakenly. The same is true for you, Straight Dudes.
5. Do tip your bartenders and entertainment.
They’re working hard and putting up with a lot of grief to make sure we all have a great time.
6. Don’t push someone if they reject you.
It should only take one word: no. It does not have to be a “no thank you” or a “oh no, I’m in a relationship” or anything else, though it could be. All it takes is a simple no. Even obvious body language that means “no” should be respected from anyone. Whether it’s not making eye contact, physically shifting their body away, or literally shoving you off because you started unsolicitedly rubbing your genitals on me–no means no.
7. Do be kind and have an awesome, gay time!
Straight Folks, you’re not not welcome at the gay bar. We just would like some of you to tone down how aggressively straight you are or take it to another bar. It’s like you’re blasting metal at the jazz club. This isn’t the space.
But don’t think that I mean women and men shouldn’t dance together at gay bars. Everyone can dance with anyone. Shout out to all my queer fam in het-passing relationships! Shout out to straight allies who respect the gayness of the space and don’t try to over-compensate with their straightness! Shout out to all the bouncers who immediately remove shitty, aggressive bros from the dancefloor!
But please, Straight Men, stop coming to the gay bar to find unsuspecting women.
Stop grinding on people without their permission.
Stop mocking queer culture and those enjoying it because you’re just “too straight.”
You can take that anywhere else.
