On September 8th, you would have been 56 years old. Wishing I was gearing up to come have a daiquiri with you and listen to you clown and joke about everyone and everything but instead, I will be visiting your grave for your 4th birthday since ascending to the Heavens above. But it still feels like it was yesterday when I sat next to your bedside in the hospital when you took your last breath.

This hole in my heart is still fresh, constantly yearning for you to just come back and fill it in. Sometimes I wish I'd wake up and this would all just be a really long dream. Not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind and I keep wishing I could go back in time and prevent this all from ever happening but I know I can't because everything happens for a reason.

I'd be lying if I told that these last three years have been easy because they've been anything but. Receiving my degree last year was so bittersweet for me because on one hand, I was finally receiving my college degree yet on the other hand, looking out into the crowd at all those mom's knowing you weren't one of them, was one of the most painful moments I've endured. Knowing how hard I had worked to bring my grades up because I promised you I would! Only for you to not be around to physically see my hard work in the end. To no fault of your own, however.

I am a little over a year into my life post-college and it has undoubtably been the hardest. Transitioning to true adulthood with no one to guide you is no easy task and I'm constantly wishing you were still here to answer every question I have about living in "the real world." At one point I thought I would either be evicted from my apartment or lose my car via repo. I began to feel myself slip into a place I had never been.

I had no energy to do anything and I was constantly worried about how I was going to afford my bills and not end up homeless or carless. With that came constant tears of sorrow and me questioning why this ever had to happen.

Why me? I was only 19. What 19 year old expects to lose their mother? Everyone else I know still has their mom so why can't I? Not that I'm questioning God's will but maybe I'm just being selfish. I know you'd rather be up there in the Heavens but I just wasn't ready for you to leave me so soon mom.

Although these past three years have been harder than any point in my life thus far, I have tried to remain strong in the midst of adversity because I know you raised me to be a great man and person in general. Most people may never understand, but my heart will never heal and this empty space will forever be reserved for you because I know one day I'll see you again. Until then, I'll continue to make everything out of life, follow my dreams, and just make you proud to call me your son.

Please continue to watch over me mom, I promise I won't disappoint you. I love you & happy birthday.