So many times I have caught myself trying to talk to God and not having the words to say. Almost as if my emotions have taken over... internally overwhelmed. Being an English teacher, writing comes as a second nature for me (or so I thought, anyways). Whenever I have "God time," I write it down like a letter addressed to The Lord (don't knock it until you try it).
Many of times I have found myself overwhelmed, full of negative emotions, doubts, and out of words to say. The farthest I get sometimes is just "Dear Lord..." and that's okay. As human beings, we have this sense of urgency to SPEAK; most days we forget to open up our ears and LISTEN. I see my friends, co-workers, family members, and even myself craving an immediate response from not just our peers, but from God, as well. Over the past five years, my reality of prayer has transformed. My prayers started out as a cry for help. I only prayed when I needed something. It slowly transitioned to anger and blame, due to the fact that my "needy" prayers were not being answered in an earthly manner (I know... I was silly for thinking that'w how it worked).
Fast forward to two years into my faith, at 22 years old: I am finding myself being built up into an individual that I was proud of; someone who was strong and consistent with The Lord. Over the next year and a half, my prayer tactics quickly transitioned back to anger whenever evil would arise in my circle; such as a death, an argument with my boyfriend, moving away from my family, etc. Two years of living in California, finally getting to move back south towards family, my outlook changed on prayer for a final time.
It took me being completely alone in a foreign world (Alabama to California) for me to recognize that God is not on MY timeline; I am on His. At 24 years old, driving across the country, for a second time, all I could do was say 'Thank you, Lord.' I think, as humans, we forget that God knows our hearts. He sees the pain that sits within us and uses it to build us stronger for HIS war. For most of my life, I thought that all evil should be stopped by God and if it wasn't I quickly gave up on prayer and found myself boiling in anger and sadness... (silly, I know). It took me sitting in our empty house in Carrollton, GA to realize that God has a greater plan for my life and that I have ZERO control over it. His plan is much more than I could ever imagine for myself.
So when all that I can write is 'Dear God...' and the only other thing on the paper are tears, I say 'Thank you' aloud. Thank you for showing me my worth in Your eyes. Thank you for continuing to work on me. Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for being MY God!
