Dear Brother,

How, could you?

Do you remember how we grew up? No one likes to talk about it, no one likes to mention it. I've read all the books, I spoke with a therapist. They all say the same things. You know it in your heart too, even if you refuse to say it today. Our parents did a terrible job of raising us. Violence was love in our household.

Do you remember what we did? We stuck together. Through thick and thin. Through troubled times and the rough times. Do you remember what you did? You always took the blame for things you didn't do so that it wasn't one of your sisters that got hurt. Do you remember? Everyone likes to forget but I haven't and I'll be damned if I do. Thats the burden I get to carry. I remember when everyone else forgets.

You have always been my brother. Even if you didn't realize it, I idolized you. You were always less mean to me then our sister. Thats why I sat in your room so much growing up. You may not realize it, but you were more of a father to me then our dad ever was. Thats why when my nightmares kept me up i always asked to watch you play video games. It's why i sat on the roof with you and talked about life while you smoked a cigarette. How many times were you high? Not that i cared, that was your medicine. Each of us had our own medicine to deal with the pain. No one knows mine, i was always forgotten about growing up. The youngest too often gets left out of the loop. No one cared to bother to know what my medicine was, to everyone i've always been the strong one. I had to be. I was the last one with any hope to succeed in life. You see brother, growing up, i genuinely felt, and still do, that every member in our family hates me to their core. They have never shown me any different, and how could i let myself believe these cold hearted folk even do? God that would mess me up. Except you, i always felt your warm love. You never forgot about me, you were always there.

Do you remember my first boyfriend? The violence being the 'love' in our family drove me down a dark, dark path. No one cared. In fact, they made it worse. Everyone made me feel like i was nothing, like i was stupid. It drove me closer to the man who beat me every single day. You saw what was happening and you didn't judge me. You cared for me. You still talked to me, still treated me like i was your sister. Walked with me. When you left for work it broke me because you were my protecter. You were my force field to all the hate given to me by 'family' and be everyone else. After you left i learned to protect myself. I learned that i didn't need knifes, pills, or starving to medicate myself. I could do it on my own.

Thats when she came along. I knew right away who and what she was. You were blinded. Just like i was. I tried doing what you did for me, I supported you. I took care of you when you cried i held your head too many goddamn times to count. I was there for you. Just like you were for me. But you spat in my face. Instead of you coming home I got to watch her ruin you. Ruin my brother.My protecter. She ruined you and every thing good about you, the goddamn light is gone from your eyes brother and you let her. You let her torture you. Manipulate you. You became a traitor. You hurt the entire family with your actions. So I ask again,

How could you?

You do NOT get to walk back into this family and act like this last year didn't happen. You don't get to pretend things are okay between us because they aren't. You don't get off scot free. You have to apologize. Man the hell up brother and apologize. Apologize to your mother for being there for you even after what you did to her. Apologize to your father for all the wrongdoing. Apologize to our sister for the drama. Goddamn it, apologize to me, for running away, for ruining our friendship, for shattering my dreams. You don't get to talk to me like were best friends still, everyone else might be okay with it but i won't be. Not until you apologize. I deserve an apology. You were my protecter, my savior, my salvation, my only friend, my brother. I cried for far too long about you. I can't listen to that stupid song without crying. I still cry. I'm crying right now. I just want an apology. No one understand what happened in that trailer more than me. No one understands you on that level like me. You have got to move on from her, you deserve more you have always deserved more. You deserve someone who will put the light back into your eyes. You know it, you know it. But you still hurt me, you were never suppose to hurt me. You were supposed to protect me, for that, above everything, is what broke me the most. That's why i just want a stupid apology.

Brother, despite what this family taught us, violence is not love.
I found love, true love, and you can too. It's not to late for you my dear brother, i promise its not too late.