Hey, you! Yes, you!
Do you like oversized t-shirts and baseball hats of teams you don’t even know? You’re in the right place if you do because let me tell you, I am here to say thank you. Without your ability to pretend that you like Taco Bell and actually eat it, the world would be without a perfectly funny meme. You are the reason the world has been graced with so many pointless quizzes asking you what your dream city is to live in. I mean really, do you think you’ll actually move to Positano and meet a twenty-something, gorgeous, not sexist in any way, Italian man, who will feed you pasta (with red sauce, duh) at sundown, overlooking the coast, on an unrealistic vineyard that only exists in the book, Under the Tuscan Sun? Who would have thought that you are the reason BuzzFeed exists?!
Thank you for your Instagram feeds loaded with #omg the best #foodporn and your #lit #squad fake laughing for a picture you’ll ask your waiter named Tom (but you’re too busy looking at yourself to actually know what his name is) to retake too many times. Tom will willingly agree but he is secretly plotting ways to kick you out of the restaurant that doesn’t nearly pay him enough. But, he needs the tip (if you know what I mean… wink wink*).
*Tom suffers from Minimum Wage Syndrome: a disease known only to those in the food service business who are getting screwed by a stupid loophole and your desire to think lower of your server just because they are doing literally everything in their power to make sure you get what you want so that when the time comes, you actually give them a decent sized tip for their undivided, sometimes forced, attention to your table (because your requests are insane just eat the food, okay?).
I just want to say how grateful I am to frat parties. Without them on a Thursday night, where else would you go to pretend like you actually enjoy drinking pee (Natty Light) and dancing to the cringe-worthy sound of a too loud bass dropping on a song you don’t even know the words to? OMG, is she hooking up with that guy from her astrophysics astronomy class? Let’s Snapchat this! Okay, this is totally Instagram story worthy. Thank you frat parties, for giving basic b*tches a way to let loose and have fun because nothing says fun like not knowing what is in the jungle juice! It’s okay though, the night ended with overly-edited pictures of you to make sure that the liquid that your pituitary glands produced as a result of intense movement of the body isn’t visible to the millennial eye. Forget “Friday nights are for the boys!” Now, there’s Saturday-Friday nights for you, the girl who does not realize partying every single night is doing more harm than good!
Congratulations, you care more about what other people think of you than you think of yourself!
If you are easily susceptible to fake free bathing suit giveaways from an Instagram account that literally no one has heard of, thank you! Your gullibility is the reason I wake up every morning, thank you. For your devotion to Fetty Wap, A$AP Rocky, Future, and whatever the guy with one eye’s name is, I thank you. Without your clueless concert going, the economy would be in absolute shambles! Your uncontrollable urge to “post a pic” of literally anything and everything you are doing (#waitinginlineforstarbs!) gives me a reason to smile. I love that you have your whole life figured out!
Thank you, basic b*tches, for your entitled attitudes. I can now say I have been #blessed by the universe’s most complex, most interesting, most “I have money so I can do whatever I want” specimens. A sociocultural anthropologist would have a field day (you would get it if you knew what anthropology actually is). The world wouldn’t be the same without you!
