I want to talk about sincerity. I probably won't actually get to it because I tend to get distracted but I'll start here:

I like to be raw. I like to imagine my little siblings looking up to me in the future and listening to what I have to say. I want to tell them about the mistakes I've made. I want to tell them the truth. I want them to be able to see me exactly as I am. In order to do that, I have to be open about the things I'm facing.

I'm going to be honest, I don't really "fit in" where I'm at. I have a few people I care about and spend my weeks with and most of those people are absolutely nothing like me. Don't get me wrong.. I care about them, I can bond with these people for sure, but there are things about all of us that don't necessarily gel. We don't fit together and nothing really makes sense. In the long run, I don't see these friendships lasting. I have to consider though that we all had different experiences growing up. I grew up in Tennessee and California, two very different places. I'm not very southern and I'm not a stereotype fresh off the beach. I didn't really soak in anything specific from either place.

I feel like I use this as an excuse for everything, but that's okay because it has taught me so much and is applicable to every part of my life. I didn't have a traditional upbringing. My childhood, as much as I can remember, was pretty normal. I was homeschooled, I swam competitively, and church was an important part of our lives. Pretty normal. After middle school, my parents got divorced and all hell broke loose. I moved across a few states to run away from my problems in high school, dealt with my parents who never communicated with each other, had to be a buffer and listen to both sides of a very adult situation I should never have had to deal with, didn't really connect with any of my grandparents or great-grandparents successfully until right around when my great-grandmother passed away. I'm not close with any of my cousins and my immediate family is states away. I love them more than I will love anybody, but being far from them kinda means that I have to create my own family where I'm at with people I love and care about.

I've learned a lot over the past few years about how to treat people and being sincere and being honest and I try pretty hard to be a decent human being. I fail, don't get me wrong. It's hard finding people you really like to spend time with. It's harder to care about good people that make really bad decisions. People rub off on you, and in the blink of an eye, your entire life could become toxic. I dealt with too much of that. Bad friends, a really bad boyfriend, and I simply had enough. I know I won't be lucky enough to never have to deal with a bad person ever again, but they don't have to be close to me. I have that choice.

I don't really agree with anything that my friends do and that's hard for someone like myself, who constantly tells people how I feel if I feel like they are being stupid. If I'm angry with you, you will know because I either bring it up right away or I just completely shut down around you or push you away. This part of my personality is not a good thing and I completely recognize that. I would rather say nothing at all than say something I don't mean. But for so long, I held my tongue and didn't mean much of anything that came out of my mouth. I spent time with people I did not love, did not respect, did not enjoy, and I was miserable. The older I get and the more time I spend with certain people, I realize that friendships should NOT be people connecting over shitty things. We shouldn't condone the bad things we do to other people. Sitting with my friends, listening to the stories they tell me of the terrible things they are doing, to their boyfriends, to their families, to themselves, and I'm just supposed to sit there and condone it? They know they are in the wrong. They know this is not the right path. I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend to agree when I don't. It's not all them though. If I'm not completely enjoying where I'm at or who I'm spending time with, I feel like I don't even recognize myself. It's hard to put myself in a situation where I feel like I'm not being truthful about who I am or what I believe in.

I feel like the best friendships and relationships are with people who compel you to grow, to be honest, and to be kind. It's easy to be all of those good things toward people you love and care about. You really have to go out of your way to be.. not so good. I have no control over what other people do, I one hundred percent recognize that. But I do have complete control over my own life, who stays and who goes.

My point here is pretty much that good friendships can turn into toxic ones faster than you can imagine. Be very careful when it comes to the people you choose to spend your time with. It's better to be lonely than to be hanging out with people that don't care about you and don't care much about themselves or other people and constantly continue to make bad decisions. Good people come along and all you have to do is stay true to yourself because there's nothing worse than being around a bunch of people and feeling like you're disconnected from them all.

Pray for your friends. Pray for your relationships. Do what you have to do.