After the events that occurred in the United States of America on November 8, 2016, in which a very real He Who Must Not Be Named with Hair That Must Be A Freaking Wig became the President Elect, a handful of thoughts we thought we would never have to think were thunk (am I the new Dr. Seuss? Time will tell). One of them being: how awkward will Thanksgiving be this year?
If you're like me, and hail from the Midwestern pit of Kansas, and have relatives who hail from even hairier pits of rural Kansas, you may be getting a little nervous about what to say to your red-state-born and red-state-bred aunts and uncles and cousins and in-laws and thrice-removed half-lings when you see them face-to-face.
And while I'm still figuring out what I'm going to do about this situation as I am writing this, here is a rough guide I have constructed to help you deal with those relatives and ease into the holiday season on a warm, comforting bed of brown gravy and marshmallow fluff (wow, our eating traditions are pretty gross, America).
1. Don't avoid them (completely).
If your goal is to stray from causing an all-out drunken brawl that may or may not leave your toddler and tween cousins emotionally scarred, then being cordial at the least isn't a bad idea.
2. Take moments throughout the day for yourself, and yourself only.
Scope out the hidden places at your gathering, whether it be the bathroom, the room where all the coats go, or behind a tree outside–these will become a godsend when all you need to do is breathe.
3. Do not take your anger and anxiety out on your stomach.
Not saying you can't have an extra piece of pie or helping of green bean casserole like you damn well please, but overeating as a tactic to shut family out doesn't harm anyone but you. (Also, you'll end up looking pregnant for 2-3 days, which can be fun but is mostly weird.)
4. Take a little bit of it out on your liver.
I honestly don't have a way out of this. Personally, I am going to make sure a Bota Box is within arm's reach at all times.
5. Pick out some of your favorite Christmas music ahead of time and blast it.
Michael Bublé's Christmas album is much more effective at smoothing out family tensions than that tub of margarine placed next to the mashed potatoes.
6. Wear an outfit that makes you feel fuzzy, cozy, and protected against the bigots who share your bloodline.
Blanket scarves, fleece leggings, knitted sweaters, you name it. Oh, global warming exists and it's actually 75 degrees out? Well, that's one more thing you can talk about–oh wait, your uncle believes global warming is a hoax and–just–never mind. Wear the dang scarf and hide under it.
7. Drink plenty of water.
Got to stay hydrated so you don't faint from the constant rotation of the Holy Trinity of Questions: "So, what are you doing after graduation?", "So, do you have a boyfriend now?", and "So, is Donald Trump really that much worse than Hilary Clinton?"
8. Make your "Oh, I'm just so full" nap twice as long, and take as many as needed.
And lock the door.
9. When the conversation becomes politically-affiliated and/or tense in any way, begin to mention that one time you won something in high school*.
*any other accomplishments you received pre-2016 that they can revel in.
10. Tell your mom to actually, please, bring childhood photos of you.
She can even *cringe* bring your book of overtly-glam senior pictures. Yes, even the ones where you're smizing in the middle of a railroad. Anything that can distract helps.
11. Bring your work/homework with you because you are just SO swamped.
Which you might actually be. They don't have to know.
11. Become a master Convo-Hopper.
How to: when it has reached an amber alert level and you simply need to exit the conversation ASAP, say any of the following:
"Is there any pie left? I'm going to go see."
"Has anybody checked on the dog? Someone should do that. Hold on." (there doesn't have to be an actual dog.)
"You know, I still haven't said hi to insert-obscure-relative here. There's just so many of us ha!"
Done. You're a master.
12. Know that your distaste and anger is completely justified, and you don't have to put on a fake front just because you feel pressured to.
AND just because you have some very serious differences with people who have known you since you could form words, doesn't mean you can't have fun with those who understand.
Oh, and have a great Thanksgiving break. (You'll need it.)
