The thing is that people keep telling me that I will be okay but the thing is I am not okay. I have lost all hope. I have lost my faith. Actually, I am anything but okay. I don't know where I am. I am sad all the time and lonely. I feel like I have lost anything and anyone who has meant anything to me. I have lost my place here in this town. For the last year of my life, I have kept replacing this emptiness with people and going out. Everything has changed and nothing has changed. I look back on a time in my life that I thought was so bad and I compare that to now and wish I could go back. I think that's that hardest part, letting go well because you can't. As much as I try I am not any better than I was a year ago. It is hard to look in the mirror at this picture perfect person everyone else sees and just feel so lonely. You don't know where to begin to even not feel that way. Where do I start? How do I not feel this way? I know one day It will be better but what about now? How can I feel better now?
I don't think any of the people who have hurt me will ever know just how bad it really hurt. Let me tell you I am sitting on my bedroom floor writing this and I don't have one dry eye. I don't know if this is what you wanted but this is what I got. I am lost and I don't even know how I got here is the thing. It's like I woke up one day and I was sad and lost and lonely. I don't think you ever know exactly when something went wrong, friendship, relationship, whatever it is.
When you are little you never think that one day you will be the girl who can't get up off her bedroom floor. You never think you will be the girl that needs someone or something to be happy. You never think the girl tat everyone said will go so far can only get as far as taking a bath before she starts crying again. That is me. I have became that girl.
I think when I started feeling this way it all started to jumble together. It was like I couldn't remember anymore what made me happy or sad. I had lost every part of me. Now I am to a point where I don't know where to start again. I have to start all over and I don't know where that is. Right now I guess getting up off my bedroom floor.