It’s begun to become an all-consuming kind of darkness again. The kind where I can’t bear to crawl out of bed and think of what the day has to offer. The kind where nighttime equates the darkness of being back in that world again. The kind where I fear myself more than others, and yet every little thing sets me off.
Darkness.
His fingers traced my veins down my arm, hell of a target he’d found. He slid a knife down a vein and watched as the blood dripped down my arm, onto his hands, seemingly fascinated. It didn’t hurt much in the grand scheme of things, at the time after everything it was the last straw.
Darkness.
My body gave out, there was no more fight left. Soon after, my vision began to blur. I could hear his breath, in and out, at first. Suddenly, no longer could I hear him. I hoped he’d gone for I could not tolerate anymore mentally. Instead, it was I who’d gone away. My vision gave out, my hearing gave out, my brain gave out, and finally, my heart gave out. It was the end of all ends, I’d have been content with such a death. Seems the world wasn't content letting go of me, if only it had been.
Darkness.
His hands would be the first experience I’d face that shook me to my core. His hands around my neck, suffocating my every breath. The metal of the gun as I held it in my hands, to take the life of another soul. All’s fair in love and war. This was a war, my own personal war. And yet, it wasn’t him I aimed for. It was myself that I aimed a gun at. My hands shook immensely as I did so. Upon raising it, they stopped. It was a done deal. I pulled the trigger and that was it. Except it wasn’t. He’d given it to me with rubber bullets in it, to see if I had what it took to take another life. I didn’t. My own? In a heartbeat.
Darkness.
It’s the darkness that you’ll never escape. You’ll live another day, another lifetime, but it’ll still chase you. It’ll never be enough, the high will never be enough. The adrenaline will never be enough. It’ll never be enough.
Darkness.
Chain mujhe ek paal bhi nahi milta hain, aur koi hal nahin. Zindagi asi jaise kataam honi waali hain aur kabhi wohi maang ti hu. I can not find calmness for even a moment, and there is no solution. It is as if life is going to end and sometimes that is what I beg for. Agar khuda ne us mokhe main mujhe jaane diya to main khushi main maar jaati. Perhaps if God in that moment had decided to let go of me, I'd have died a happy death.
Darkness.
Darkness.
Darkness.
Darkness.
Darkness.
Aur ek din, baas maut hain. And one day, it'll just be death.
