Fathers Day has gotten much harder to celebrate year after year. Between being told my dad wants nothing to feeling like even if he did want a gift there would be something wrong with it. There is always a catch. I guess you could say that's the ttheem of my relationship with my dad. Any positive comment is followed by an instant negative remark. Anytime I feel like I'm going in a good direction I question if it is enough.

It is hard to be a people pleaser and have a dad that simply will never be pleased. He has his proud moments but they are shadowed by doubt. I have made some terrible choices, choices that have crushed my dad. Seeing the pain I have put him through is anything but easy.

At one point I could do no wrong with him. I was his first born, his baby girl. I can't lie, it felt good to be put on a pedastil.But all good things come to ends. I started to want to be independent and see what this world was really all about. The more choices I made that were questionable, the deeper my relationship with my dad sunk. To be fair, I sabotaged our relationship at times with the poor decisions I made. To know he could not control my every move felt freeing in a sense. That feeling though comes with distrust, anger, and disappointments.

I harshly realized that I was not being truly independent, I was isolating myself from someone whose heart was breaking watching his little girl make questionable choices. My dad does not do sadness very well. Anger is more of his strong suit. When he is angry the whole neighborhood knows it. His voice echos and his tone when it raises is crushing to hear. This anger has brought me to tears for many reasons, mainly because it builds a bigger distance between the two of us.

I have reached a point now where all my past choices are stacked against me and his anger and distrust have built a forcefield around him. Try as I might though to show him how I am changing, the past stays in his head. The lies I have told him and choices like drinking excessively have put it in his head that I will be a selfish low-life.

This is when my anger sets in. Support for any progress, whether big or small, is not given to me. I feel trapped in a cycle. I question how you can care for someone so much yet have a pre determined idea of who they are. I have not given my da the best behavior and I do not expect things to change over night. I do however become overwhelmingly angry with the fact that I am disregarded and diminished.

If I know I am taking the right steps to not be the same person I was before, that is all that matters. At the end of the day I can only want to be a better person for myself. I repeat these things over and over in my head everyday and I try to live by these words. It takes every ounce in me to not fall victim to the thought that my dads opinion on me makes me who I am.

This Fathers Day my dad has asked for no gift, seeing as he is going on vacation with my mom. I would like to think though that I could hopefully give him the gift of perspective. If he could see the struggles and confliction I have, just as I see his disappointment and anger, maybe one day we can work to be maybe not on the same page but in a similar book. A book based on understanding and the love that has never wavered.