I write mostly to apologize. Not for having curly hair but to the girl with whom I sat on the bus from New York City to Worcester, Mass. My opening line was precisely this; “Do you ever straighten your hair?” I could just kick myself for it now. As a curly haired girl, I should have known better. How offensive. I was just trying to throw out an opening line that might invite you to see we have at least one thing in common. If you were offended or something of the sort, I’m sorry. I can relate as I know the feelings of anger and frustration that tear through me when I’m asked of the mall kiosk sales attack-man, “Can I straighten your hair? Please please ma’am. Let me show you how well this straightener works.” As if the very idea of straightening one’s hair might make them a better person? Or worse yet, might make them appear better? Where did this idea of only straight hair being sexy come from? Thank you very much, Jennifer Anniston. (You had to be blonde too, didn’t you?) The only people who should be allowed to ask a curly haired girl if she straightens her hair, or if she’d like to, is another curly haired girl. Which I am. So I shouldn’t feel bad. But my hair was pulled tightly back on the bus ride, so I do. I’m sure she understood. And as we continued to talk about products (don’t worry curly haired readers, I’ll get there) and literal irons, and ponytails until we were adults, and unsympathetic siblings, we began to bond over the issue. And what is this issue? In short, it’s the curly hair issue, also known as the life-long membership to the Curly-Haired Girls Club.
You know the club if you’re in it. Membership requirements include but are not limited to:
- Dreading rainy days and humid summer months
- Hair ties, plural, around your wrist (and a complete nervous meltdown if you happen to be so frazzled about something in addition to your hair that you look down and see your hair band is somehow not there – and GASP! you’ve already left the house.)
- Notorious slow moving until your hair has completely dried
- Similarly and just as important, avoiding touching or God-forbid having someone touch your hair when it’s wet
- And last, but of course not least, having a bathroom shelf look akin to that of one in the hair isle of your local Walgreen’s.
For those who don’t know, there are different kinds of curls. There are Botticelli curls which are of course the best kind because I have those. They’re the kind of curls that make other women envious, the I-wish-I-had-her-hair curls. The kind of curls you see in, yep you guessed it, Botticelli paintings. Hello, Venus. Or for a more modern reference, Julia Roberts when she takes her hideous wig off and finally falls asleep as the Pretty Woman she really is deep down. These also need a talking-to sometimes to show up. They can be easily be weighed down by just the tiniest amount of too much product, or the heaviness of your top layer of hair. Finicky but beautiful.
Then there are Corkscrew curls which would be the kind of curls that make one look at a woman who has them and say “yikes! how does she manage?”. These cupid curls would be the ones that appear the woman styled her hair with pencils, some hot glue and a lot of hairsprays. Tight and high, they defy gravity – an everyday walking science experiment. These curls seem to be magically unaffected by ponytails, bouncing right back to their beauty after you take them down. High frizz factor, though.
There are Wavy curls, the non-curl curl. These are the women who stake claim to living the unpredictable life of a curly haired woman, but mostly have no right in there saying so. They have curly hair with training wheels. They spend ten minutes instead of sixty straightening their hair. Nice try ladies but make your own club. I like your hair though, Sandra Oh.
Lastly, you have the idealized and much fantasized about Banana curls. Cue Shirley Temple, those clogging Irish girls and most Gil Elvgren ladies of the 50’s art era. Need I say more?
While it’s great to talk about identifying types of curls the real fun happens when you live with it. Check back for Part II of this article to get more life-changing information and anecdotal evidence on how to love, hate, or cherish having curly hair. Or how to appreciate loved ones who do. The all-important product evaluations, recommendations, and reviews forthcoming.
