You know when you first meet someone and they seem super normal and a lot of fun, but then they do one small thing and you’re like, ‘Oh?’ Realistically, you know these acts aren’t that big of a deal, yet somehow you can’t seem to shake the feeling of being both uncomfortable and strangely weirded-out by the presence of these individuals. We tell ourselves, ‘Hey, maybe they’re just a little odd,’ but most of the time, we’re actually the nutty ones.
Here is a completely unreasonable, experience-based list of people not to trust.
1. The “I’ve never tried McDonald’s” folks.
I don’t even really know what to say other than you’re missing out. Like really, never? Not once? All of a sudden, I feel as though we have nothing in common, because there’s no way you could possibly relate to my drunken snack frenzies, or my bad day go-tos. McDonald’s definitely is repulsive if you think about it for too long, but denying yourself that small amount of pure bliss is just weird. In fact, it kind of makes me uncomfortable.
2. People who cut their burgers in half.
I always thought of burgers as a staple of American food. You’re supposed to eat it with your hands, and it’s supposed to be messy. Cutting it in half is almost like cheating the entire American system, and it defeats the whole purpose of a barbecue-style pig out. Now everything is totally awkward because my face is covered with ketchup and lettuce shreds, meanwhile you’re across from me with your fork and knife whipped out.
3. Those who mispronounce "Reese's Pieces."
Just to be clear, “pieces” pronounced [pee-sees] is just simply not a word, therefore, your argument is invalid. People don’t walk around saying, “I’ll have two [pee-sees] of cake, please.” That pronunciation never made sense, it still doesn’t make sense, and the fact that it’s an ongoing argument doesn’t give me much hope for the world. Take it from both a chocoholic and grammar nutcase: Reese’s wasn’t trying to be clever; some people just don’t know how to read.
4. The entire "Samoas" bandwagon.
While we’re on the topic of food, I find it important to clarify that the most delicious Girl Scout cookies known to mankind are called Caramel Delights. Troop #642 circa 2003 taught me how to sell those bad boys, and never have I ever had a box labeled “Samoas.” I know, I know, ‘The name depends on where you’re located,’ but I love those cookies, and I’m fully convinced that they taste better under the right name. I’m not sure we could be friends if you think otherwise. Just kidding, I know we couldn’t be friends.
5. The "I've only ever slept with my boyfriend" girl.
Just like they used to scream on that weird MTV dating show, “NEXT.” Like, damn. Now I’m sitting here thinking you’re hardcore judging me, or that it’s just super strange that you’re bragging about this. Either way, I can promise you that everyone else in the room is now incredibly uncomfortable. Even if this really is the case, why couldn’t you just make a damn joke about it or something? For the love of God, somebody get a lifeguard because we’re drowning in this awkwardness.
6. Those who put milk in the bowl before the cereal.
To the boy who always wore a backwards hat to Ernie, this one is for you. Please stop.
7. Haters of the all-black outfit.
Listen, once you go black, you never go back. I used to get snide comments from my friends in high school about how I always wore black, but little did I know I was ahead of the trends. I don’t care what anyone else has to say, because black outfits make you look like a Goddamn boss. Not to mention they provide for a sufficient amount of intimidation, well, at least more than your neon J. Crew look ever could.
8. All those who skipped "The Awkward Stage."
There’s a special place in Hell for those who somehow managed to look cute in middle school. Oh, you never needed braces? Oh, you’ve never had a chubby-faced school picture? Oh, you totally looked chic as f*ck in every outfit at every Bar/Bat Mitzvah you attended? Just so you know, everyone hated you, and we’re all still a little bitter.
9. People who you've never seen at the gym, yet still have a six pack.
Jeez, you guys are the worst. There you are, eating your body weight in Ben & Jerry’s while simultaneously looking fabulous in every article of clothing you try on. You are living proof that we are not all created equal. Everyone and their mother wants to be you, so naturally, we find you despicable.
10. Those who seriously say 'Turkey Day' instead of Thanksgiving.
The last time I said Turkey Day was probably when I was cutting out the shape of my hand on colored paper, yeah, in the 1st grade. Don't get me wrong, this is totally acceptable when you’re just trying to be funny or cute. However, when it gets to the point where we’ve been friends for a very long time and nobody has ever heard you utter the name ‘Thanksgiving,’ it’s questionable. Not to mention super irritating.
11. Anyone with a pet snake.
My first question is why? Seriously, why would it occur to you to have a casual snake lying around your home? Maybe this is a strange phobia, but I seriously just can’t get the vision of a creepy dude with thick-rimmed glasses petting reptiles out of my head. You can’t walk a snake in a park, you can’t cuddle with it on the couch, and don’t you have to feed those things rats? Just, why.
12. People who explain their own jokes.
"Wanna sit together at lunch?"
"No, you can't sit with us. Get it, because in Mean Girls Regi--" stop. Yes, we get the joke. It actually had a nice punchline, until you single-handedly ruined it.
13. The painfully slow storytellers.
Like, get to the point already. I was super interested when you mentioned the crazy accident you just witnessed, but if it means listening to you ramble about how your cousin knew the guy it happened to because they had a psychology class together in college that they both failed and so on...I'm no longer listening. Nobody likes continuous tangents. I signed up for a short story here, not your life story.
