It used to be easy: if a boy is mean to you, he likes you. If a girl laughs at your jokes, she thinks you're cute (let's be real, it probably wasn't funny).
We spent middle school doodling "Mrs. (our first name) (his last name) in the margins of our notes. But technology has allowed us girls to become absolute masters at being psycho-crushes. We aren't your girlfriend, and we may have never spoken before, but you better believe that we know everything about your life.
To start: we still do the name thing. First, we decide you're hot. Then, we decide if our names sound good together. We probably practice signing it maybe just a few (hundred) times. If it flows well, we're golden. If not, we are forced with the difficult decision of either moving on, or taking a feminist stand and keeping our own last name, forever leaving our children to be confused.
We also imagine our children. This is very important. We spend a fair amount of time deciding whether or not our children would be good looking or not, what color hair and eyes they would have, and how tall they would grow up to be. For example, the father of my children will have to be at least 5'10" or else my offspring will be doomed to be restricted in the rides they can go on at amusement parks.
With the total prominence of social media, we have become expert creeps. As soon as we decide we're interested, we get to digging. First we go through your profile pictures on Facebook, find the most attractive ones, and send them to all of our friends for a second (and third and one hundredth) opinion. Then, we look through your tagged photos, because everyone knows that's where the real you is. We see what you look like in just a regular old setting, who your friends are, and the embarrassing pictures your great-aunt thought were okay to post.
Instagram is where we go hard. You may not even know who we are, but we sure know that @princessx3 has liked your last 25 pictures. Who is she? We get inappropriately jealous of girls who are brave enough to assert their attraction for you publicly while we sit in our rooms and giggle about how gorgeous you are with our friends.
We also get very possessive. If we like you, our friends are NOT ALLOWED to show even an inkling of interest. Ever. There is a dibs system that is not to be disrespected. You are now off limits. Forever. Even though we probably still haven't spoken yet.
These are things I will most definitely deny doing if ever asked in person, but behind the safety of my keyboard I will confidently say that I am a repeat offender of ALL of these actions.
