Ever since I was younger, the worst ongoing battle I've had with myself is my fear of commitment. Most people's minds would immediately drift to fear of committing to a significant other, but honestly, this fear of commitment encompasses everything-hobbies, clubs, friendships, even my major in college. After some careful reflection and thinking, I realized that the biggest problem with people who fear commitment is that they are scared of failure, of working just a little bit harder to achieve that goal only to realize it wasn't worth it, or worse, be disappointed in the end. They prefer to preserve their comfort zone and depend on familiar things rather than risk discovering what could potentially be.
A typical scenario that people can probably relate to is working out. We set fitness goals for ourselves, and time and time again, we find ourselves giving up or making excuses as to why we can't make it to the gym. It doesn't make sense because sometimes we're grinding so hard, and finally seeing progress, but end up surrendering anyway because we claim "it's just too hard." I think the real reason this scenario has occurred repeatedly in my life is that I feel like I see progress, but it doesn't feel sufficient enough, and I immediately feel disappointed in myself. I fear that I will put in so much effort, emotions, and commitment into something... only to be disappointed in the end results and risk getting hurt.
When people ask me if I play a musical instrument, my automatic response is always "the piano." I always tell them "I took lessons for 10 years," but in reality, I switched my piano teachers 4 different times within those ten years. I don't think I even retained any information about music theory or remember how to play any pieces anymore, things that experienced piano players should at least be able to do. The reason why I switched teachers so many times was because, after a while, I stopped practicing in fear that I wasn't improving as fast as I should and filled my mind with thoughts like "even if I devoted all my time to this hobby, it wouldn't be worth it in the end." People who are scared of committing to something usually never see anything through because they fear working hard beyond what they believe they are capable of. Their worst fear is when a good result isn't guaranteed, and in effect, they convince themselves that sometimes, giving up or even not trying at all is the easier route. Maybe that's true, but it's not always the most fulfilling.
Every time I see my friends who are so committed to things like dancing, singing, and even just being an overall studious person, I tell myself these things aren't ever possible for me and that I could never compare. But, that's not true at all. These are just lies that people who fear commitment tell themselves because they are scared of vulnerability, of possibly getting hurt in the process of achieving or finding something great. They are also just inherently fearful of giving something their all and working so hard only to be unsuccessful. Why do we always have to think so negatively though? Call it human nature or whatever you want to deem it as, but I think it's time we change that.
