1. Yes, we sell coffee.

I can't tell you how many times people have come up to our shop, looked around, glanced at the menu, and asked, in all seriousness, "Do you sell. . .coffee?"

I'm going to tell you right now that yes, we do indeed sell coffee. If we didn't, we probably wouldn't exist.

2. There are, in fact, different types of coffee.

There's brewed coffee, lattes, cappuccinos, frappuccinos, cafe au laits, americanos, and countless other drinks. If you want a description of some of these, here's a list.

Moral of the caffeinated story: all these drinks are different. They're made differently, they taste different, they smell different, they are only related by the fact that they all have caffeine. You can't just say "coffee" and expect an amazing sugary confection of a drink. You have to be specific.

3. If you don't usually drink coffee, don't try and be the hero.

Honey, sweetie, baby, I can see that you're struggling with reading the menu. You were one of the students who asked if we sold coffee. I heard you pronounce "cappuccino" incorrectly. I know that you've probably never even tasted this delicious bean juice before.

Well, it's not for weak souls. I've been in this coffee game for almost seven years, and I don't even drink it straight black. It's perfectly okay to start with a half-shot latte with double vanilla flavoring. In fact, it's even encouraged.

Don't try to be the hero and order "whatever has the most caffeine" right out the gate. You won't be happy with the results.

4. Be aware of the side effects.

Why does one order coffee? To stay awake. Seems pretty straightforward, right?

Well, yes and no. While the caffeine in coffee is a pretty effective stimulant in the grand scheme of things, it also is pretty dang acidic and a *ahem* diuretic and a laxative.

Basically, you should make sure you A) Have some food in your stomach (to combat the acidity), B) Drink a little water in between your cups of Joe (ditto the acidity), and C) Are relatively close to a bathroom area (for obvious reasons).

It's for your own sake.

5. If you don't know, ask!

Hey, I'm a barista. I literally get paid to know coffee and all the magical qualities it possesses, and so does every other barista ever. If you're confused about a drink, whether a newbie or a professional coffee drinker, it never hurts to ask the people who are going to be making said drink.

Then, we'll make the coffee the way you want it, and you get to drink it happily. It's a win-win for everyone.

Good luck, my coffee friends! May the caffeine be ever in your favor!