There is something that I have been struggling with. Something bigger than having too much school work or having problems at home. Something that some people go through. I wasn’t going to share this, but it needs to be said. I need to be true to myself before I can be true to others.
I have never had a boyfriend. I have had some crushes on some guys. But I always looked the guys in my class as either good friends or complete jerks, and no one wants to go out with a complete jerk. Going into college, I wasn’t really looking to date. I wanted to focus on academics rather than someone. But then I started questioning myself. I pushed that thought to the back of my mind, but that thought was still there. I just thought less about it. When I was going into my sophomore year of college, I began to think more and more about it. I tried my hardest not to think about it, but now it’s all I can think about.
I wasn’t to say something but I don’t know how people would react. I’m just so confused that some days I can’t think straight and that’s all I can think about. It makes me depressed that I’m so confused. I can glue a smile on my face but that only works most on the time. There are some days were all I want to do is cry because this is scary. Not knowing how people are going to react once I do figure this all out. Someday I will just act out and I just get so mad. I don’t know why.
Somedays I feel alone, like there is no one to talk to about this. I feel that not a single person will know what I am going through. It almost feels like I am out casted and I have no one to turn to. Don’t tell me ‘I understand’ because I don’t think you do. I don’t appreciate you telling me that you ‘understand’ what I am going through. You’re not me! You don’t know what I am going through. This has been the hardest time of my life and I don’t need you standing there, telling me that you understand. Someone told me that I need to start doing things for myself and someone else told me that I need to work on myself before anything.
Like I said before, I need to be true to myself before I can be true to others. So, I’m just going to say it. I am confused about my sexuality. I don’t know if I am gay or not. Like I said before, I have never had a boyfriend and I never had a girlfriend either, so it’s not the easiest thing in the world. I just know that once I figured it all out, I’ll be proud of who I am. I can’t follow my heart when it’s more confused than my head.
