Every nine seconds in the United States of America, a woman is beaten or assaulted. During a one year time span, this can equate to over ten million cases when men are included in the statistic. Domestic violence is defined as violent or aggressive behavior usually within the home and involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner. In the case of 19 year old Brianna Schultz, it was her boyfriend. Back in the beginning of her relationship in high school, everything was perfect. She adored him, and he treated her right. Then, a few months in, everything changed. Now, she's choosing to speak out and help others overcome the stronghold of abusive relationships because she is not a victim; she is a survivor.
Interviewer: When was the first moment you realized that the relationship you were in was dangerous?
Brianna: Within the first few months I realized how controlling he was. He hated all my friends, always spoke badly about my family. I’ll never forget the first time he pushed me. I screamed for his mom and ran out crying. His mom called me a few minutes later and asked if I would come back because he was so upset. That was the first time I showed him that whatever he did, I would [always] come back.
I lost my gay best friend because he didn’t like us hanging out so much, and I chose [him over my best friend]. The way he talked to me was as if I was always doing something wrong, so I’d listen to him. He thought he was so much better than everyone else. He always talked about how cool it would be to kill someone and get away with it, and I just smiled and said he was crazy. Little by little, I had lost my morals and my beliefs because I started listening to his. I was so blinded by what I thought was love.
Interviewer: Did you ever convince yourself that you were overreacting and it wasn’t really that bad?
Brianna: Everything he did to me never seemed bad until I looked back at it. When he hit me, I felt like I said something to push him too far. He would threaten to kill me on a daily basis, [and it stopped] phasing me after awhile. I will never forget the day he choked me up against his truck and told me he would kill me right there. And I always made an excuse, saying, “he didn’t mean it,” or “it will never happen again,” but believe me, it always did.
Interviewer: On Facebook, you choose to keep things very real and raw in your posts. You mentioned in one specifically how you had relapsed. Do you have any advice to domestic violence victims who are experiencing the same issues?
Brianna: My advice to you is to never listen. Do not listen to those words he says. You are beautiful. Do not for a second think that you deserve to be treated the way he treats you. If you take anything from this, take this: it is not your fault you fell in love with a monster, that you are struggling to get away or that you want to help change him. It was never your fault, and it never will be. He is not your world, you [can] create your own.
Interviewer: You have a tattoo that says, “Warrior.” What does that word mean to you?
Brianna: It is kind of crazy, because when I got this tattoo, I was still in the constant cycle of the abuse. To me, it's a reminder that some days you’re going to wake up and cry. You are going to miss the memories, you’re going to wonder what you did wrong, and you’re going to want to sleep the whole day away. But being a warrior means being strong enough to smile through all the hurt that we feel every day. It reminds me that he will never define who I am. Regardless of all the hurt he put me through, I will always smile, and I truly believe that is a warrior.
Interviewer: Every one has a life story. Yours just so happens to include your story of survival. After all of the dust has settled, how have you managed to survive and stay so positive and confident?
Brianna: I think the key to surviving is to be with your family and true friends. At first, I thought I needed to run to another guy. I was so empty and I needed someone to fill that hole. Then I realized, that every time I hung out with a guy, I started crying because it wasn’t what I remembered it to be. To me, it was extremely important to surround myself with friends who truly loved me. I would be so happy, and then all of sudden start crying. You need friends who understand what you’ve been through, and will cry with you.
Writing has helped me express my feelings a lot because when you are in an abusive relationship, you feel alone and like no one understands. That was a way I felt helped me explain my hurt and my confusion. Also, the song “By the Grace of God” by Katy Perry motivated me to keep going.
Interviewer: Unfortunately, not everyone is able to get up the courage to confront their abuser and witness the judiciary system work in their favor. Have you been able to bring justice to your situation and if so, how?
Brianna: To me, justice was served the first time I smiled without him. I waited so long to hear back from the court system because after he had choked me, I wanted nothing but the absolute worst for him. After choking me, he got four days in jail. I was so traumatized that I started seeing two therapists, and I felt like it wasn’t fair to me that he always got off the hook. I am not going to lie, I wasn't strong enough to walk away and I had to call the cops a few weeks later. He has a hearing this week, and chances are that he will be going for six months. But it doesn’t matter. Sitting in jail will not make up for what he did.
Interviewer: Where do you go from here?
Brianna: I have spent two and half years of my life worried about him and now I just want to be happy. I don’t know where I will be going for college yet, but I do know, wherever I go, I will be without him.
Interviewer: Do you have any last words you'd like people to hear?
Brianna: If you are struggling with an abusive relationship, I want you to know that you are not alone. I know what it is like to feel addicted to him, to crave him, and to wonder where he is. He is just like a cigarette. You can quit him for weeks, months, even years, but the second you take one puff, you’re back in the same cycle you were before.
One reason I stayed so long, was because he would always threaten to kill himself. He said that he would rather be dead so that he would never have to go to jail. He blamed me, yet I felt like I needed to save him from himself regardless of what he's done. I felt vulnerable and completely confused. I know you want him to be you’re everything and the thought of life without him leaves you gasping for air but I can promise this; no matter how hard it is to leave, it will never be as hard as it is to continue to live in a nightmare. He is not your prince charming and he will never change. The happy ending that you’re looking for may simply be just moving on.
Thankfully, the story of Brianna didn't end with her boyfriend's violence. But for many people, this isn't the case. If you, or someone you know, could possibly be stuck in the same cycle as Brianna, don't be afraid to get help. If your, or your friend, is not in immediate danger, feel free to call the toll free, 24/7 hot-line at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you are in danger, do not hesitate to call 9-1-1 for help. If you are not sure if you are in an abusive situation, feel free to go here and use their numerous resources to find out.
Being a victim of domestic violence is not something to be ashamed of and it can happen to anyone. You are strong and one day soon, you too can call yourself a survivor.
