As someone who has off and on struggled with the rise and fall of depression, I often wonder what I would be like if things had turned out differently.
Would I have lost the friends I did? Made the poor decisions I had? Kissed that one dude? And of course, would I have the same outlook on life?
A long time ago (about three years ago,) before I had entered treatment, I decided that since my maternal grandfather had committed suicide thanks to depression, my mother struggled with depression after I was born, and nearly everyone in her family shared the same experience, I decided that my genetics were not fit to be passed down.
Ignore the fact that my grandfather was a plastic surgeon who gave Vietnam Veterans faces again, that my mother is a one woman costume team for my high school's theatre department (she made a twenty-six-foot dragon puppet last year), and the fact that my visual arts teacher calls me one of his most talented students. Ignore the fact that I have taught myself to make others laugh when I felt like crying, that I put myself back together nightmares that were terrifying, and that I asked for help when I felt like dying.
One year after I met the man who essentially saved my life, he died, and I have fought depression hard. It now takes only one long look at my sketchbook to convince me that I have some purpose in life, despite what the voice in my head would tell me.
So I needn't be worried over, but I have some confessions to make:
1. When I'm depressed, I speak differently
When I am feeling depressed, I often use more technical terms, rather than descriptive terms. I use "spherical" instead of "round," "apologise" instead of "I'm sorry," and "tact," rather than "empathy."
Probably because when I'm depressed I don't feel much emotion at all. I'm sorely empty, void, to the point of it affecting my language.
2. When I'm depressed, I ask more questions
This one is a little harder for outsiders to notice because the questions are internal dialogue (that sometimes eek their way out.) They're questions like "If I started walking off of this hiking trail, would anyone be able to find me?"
3. When I'm depressed I listen to more music and read more
This one is infinitely easier to notice because I'll have my earbuds jammed in my ears rather than listening to you, and I'll favour my phone over your face at dinner time.
4. When I'm depressed I become paranoid
Also, I become jealous, but only internally. My friend is going out with friends at 1AM? You know you can talk to me right? I'll always be your friend and never ever hate you. Ever. I pinky promise.
5. When I'm depressed it's hard to tell anything's wrong
I suffered in silence for four years. You shouldn't have to go through that. My mother also suffered from depression, but having taken acting classes she failed to be able to pick up that anything was wrong because I wasn't leaving any signs out in the open. It took me asking to see a therapist to get the help that I desperately needed. And having to ask for help? That caused me to develop the courage I needed to make other necessary changes in my life.
Being depressed made me far more aware of other's feelings and caused me to develop my sense of humour. Sometimes I wonder if there's a reason I'm still alive, but putting a smile on somebody else's face reminds me that I don't need to have a purpose in order to enjoy my time here.
