Graduation is currently one quarter away for me. And I'm panicking. Like hardcore panicking. My anxiety has been flaring up like crazy. It's just so different to be graduating from college than from high school.

Graduating from high school was such a liberating experience. As it neared, the excitement just grew and grew. I wasn't going to be stuck in a school of 200 girls who all looked, talked, and thought the same way. My parents wouldn't be able to micromanage me so much. I was finally going to have more than two options for my classes.

Was it scary? Yes. Was it sad? Yes. Some of my friends were leaving and I wasn't sure if we'd ever get to hang out anymore. I was nervous about whether or not I had to ask for permission to go to the bathroom still (the answer is no for any high school student reading this).

Since I was going to a community college instead of a university, I felt like I was being left behind my best friends. It was so heartbreaking to see them boxing up their lives while I was going to be in the same place. But I also knew that I had so many more opportunities ahead of me. I could still change my life around.

It doesn't feel that way anymore. The closer graduation approaches, the more I feel like I have to stick with what I've told people. It feels like I HAVE to find a job in publishing. Like I HAVE to stay in Los Angeles. Like I'm running out of options. And it's freaking me out.

I spent 3 hours looking for book publishing jobs in LA. Do you know how many I found? ZERO. There aren't even any for an assistant. The closest thing I could find was a Global Editor job for Blizzard Entertainment. Honestly, that sounds fantastic! Sign me up. But by the time I get close enough to graduation to apply, the position will probably be filled up already. What am I supposed to do? When am I even supposed to start applying for jobs?

And, if I'm being completely 100% honest, I'm not even sure I want to apply for jobs in LA. Or for any job in any city. Especially a desk job. Yes, writing or editing is the goal. But the more I think about it the more I know I will not enjoy my job if I'm in the same place every day. I do not want a job where I will be tied to an office or to a single location. I want to be able to travel with my job. I want to explore. And there is nothing like that available for people who are just graduating.

Yes, I realize I should just find a job in a field I am interested in. Build experience. Evaluate. And find a better job that I enjoy more later. But what if I find one job and I can't ever find another one? What if I get stuck in that one company or field because I get too frightened to ever step out of my comfort zone? What if an asteroid hits the Earth and I've sacrificed the last few years of my life to gaining job experience? What if my anxiety is totally blowing things out of proportion? These are all perfectly reasonable suppositions.

The closer graduation approaches, the more I realize I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. And unlike high school, it feels like I'm running out of time to figure it out.

I guess I will find out soon enough.