It's that time of year again. The weather is heating up, the sun is out more, the shorts and sundresses are back. And I hate it. Here are my problems with summer:
1. It’s always sticky.
I hate being sweaty and summer does not play well with sweaty people. In the winter, to avoid sweating, I can take off layers until I am comfortable. In the summer, if I strip naked and I am still sweating, well that’s just how I die. I must accept my fate and lay naked on the tile floor in a futile attempt to return to my normal body temperature.
2. Boob sweat.
This is pretty self-explanatory. If I sweat, my underboob will also sweat, resulting in smile marks on my shirt. Gross.
3. I can’t wear the majority of my clothes.
Hot weather and bright sunshine does not mix well with my mostly black or otherwise darkly colored wardrobe. It attracts the sun rather than deflecting it, and that is never great because more sunlight means more heat, and more heat means more sweat. Return to number one.
4. Chaffing.
This is the worst. I have some nice thunder thighs, which I love. But in the summer, they are the death of me. Walking from my house to the cafeteria makes my thighs red and sore, let alone walking across campus to class or walking around the mall or something. I have tried all the conventional methods: deodorant, spandex, baby powder, everything. But no matter what I do, I still end up with painful sores on my inner thigh for most of the summer. Ugh.
5. Sunburn. Also horrible.
I have naturally red hair, which means my skin is basically a magnet for the sunlight. I only have to be outside for about twenty minutes to get a dark burn all over my body. And it HURTS. If you are lucky enough to have reached this age in your life without a sunburn, I envy you. I had a sunburn on my chest once that blistered and peeled and it was really gross. Not only that, but it was so painful that I couldn’t even wear a t-shirt without being close to tears, but I had to wear one because if I didn’t the burn would only get worse, but it hurt so badly, and it was just a vicious downhill cycle. Wear sunscreen, kids. Especially if you have pale skin, hair, or eyes, as these make you more likely to get sunburned and also skin cancer.
6. Bugs come out of the hellholes they were in all winter.
In the winter time, when it is blessedly cold outside, the bugs all go back to the depths of hell where they reside lest they freeze to death. In the summer, all the devil’s servants come back to the land of the living to torture us. Bugs such as bees, spiders, mosquitoes, and every few years cicadas (nasty) return to do their hellish duty of flying into your face before flying away like the little assholes they are. I know, I know, bees are important, the earth will die without them, blah blah blah, but they are still the worst.
The one redeeming quality of summer is the beach. The sand is warm but not too warm near the water, and the ocean is always the right temperature to cool off in. I love brushing salt and sand out of my hair at the end of the day and the bathing suits and the seagulls. But truly, summer is the worst season. I will not apologize for it.
