Here's a list my confessions. Some are funny, some are serious. All of them share a little bit about me because I like sharing. Sharing is caring (except for STIs, so use condoms because I don't want chlamydia).
1. I know I have the "gay voice."
Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about Mom. That effeminate voice some gay guys have. Sometimes straight men have it, sometimes gay men don't have it, but I have it and it took me a long time to not care. I used to try to make voice deeper because "acting" straight and being masculine is a positive ideal in our society, but I've stopped giving any degree of caring. People used to make fun of me, but it's how I speak so deal with it. If you have a problem take your complaint to Helen Waite. I repeat, go to Helen Waite.
2. I was a jerk as a kid, and I mean a big jerk.
I played the perfect angel to my parents, but I could be really mean. I once stole my mom's jewelry and hid it in my brothers room because I was mad, for some inconsequential reason, at both of them. I did have really compassionate moments. If my family was sad I would always try to cheer them up and I refused to hurt animals (except flies because forget them, and their buzzing around your house like they own the place). However, I also once led an "elite" club of boys at summer camp and excluded a boy because he talked to another group of friends, meaning he was a traitor. I forbade anyone in the group to speak to him, even after he begged and cried to let him back into the group. Another time a kid made fun of me in gym class so I plotted to put drugs in his cubbie and tell the teacher. I didn't know where to get drugs as a 10-year-old, I just knew you got in trouble for having them. I was the child version of Julius Caesar. I cringe when I think about how cruel I could be, but it's always a fun story to share.3. I really want a zombie apocalypse to happen.
It looks like fun living in a society with no rules and doing whatever you want. I wouldn't want anyone to die, but a week long zombie vacation where I can do anything would be nice, then everything can go back to normal. The zombies have to be slow, though, if it's the fast "28 Days Later" zombies I'll just stick to reality, thank you very much because I would die out faster than Jeb Bush in a presidential election.
4. I love swearing.
Maybe you do too or you already know this, but it's just so cathartic. Saying a good "f***" or "s***" (or in my case a "f*** s*** balls") is just like poetry to me. I try not to swear in polite company, but I always seem to corrupt the little ones and acquire the ire of mothers everywhere. Also fun fact, my favorite swear is "asshat."
5. I think meninism, heterophobia, and reverse racism are the most idiotic ideas of all time.
If you think being a man, a straight person or a white person makes you a "discriminated" against I don't think we can be friends. It's possible to have prejudice against men, white people, and straight people, but you can't seriously tell me you need to have moments like straight pride, white history month and men's rights. I try not to discredit people's opinions, but this is just lunacy. All of history is white history month (it's called colonialism), all of society is a straight pride parade (it's called heteronormativity), all men have privileges over women (it's called the wage gap, slut shaming, and the pink tax). Gay pride, black history month and feminism are all efforts to promote equity by giving these minorities who have been disenfranchised a leg to stand on, not to promote further discrimination you asshats.
6. I hate man buns.
More power to you for finding a hairstyle you like, I just don't like long hair on men. I find short haired guys more attractive (don't call me a hairist because that's not a thing). Even Leonardo DiCaprio can't pull it off in my eyes. If I was married to Leonardo, I'd still make him sleep on the couch until he cut it. Sorry Leo I don't care if you won an Oscar.
7. I really don't think I'm that capable.
Sometimes people tell me I look confident and that I know what I'm doing, but I really don't. Once I gave a presentation in AP government class and was so nervous drips of sweat ran down my body. My partner said I looked super confident in what I was presenting, little did she know a tsunami was pooling under my sweater. I did speech team, drama, poetry slams and -- if I say so myself -- I got really good at appearing in control. But honestly I was really anxious as a kid, and I probably had an undiagnosed anxiety disorder because it would stop me from making friends or doing certain activities. I try really hard to have a more confident aura because you gotta fake it until you make it. And I do feel my confidence swell as I age, but I still have a lot of insecurity and fear some people are unaware of. I never quite feel good enough when I compare myself to other people when I think of their successes. In reality a lot of people feel this way, but I'm happy to tell you I don't got it all figured out if you think I do. And if you already knew I didn't have it figured out well then congratulations, you want a cookie? Go to bon app and take their vegan chocolate chip cookies because I'm broke.
8. My third grade girlfriend thought I wore eye liner as a kid because my eyelashes were so long, and they still are.
Just walk up to me and stare at my face, then walk away before I call security.
9. Also, I had four girlfriends before I came out in eighth grade.
My first was in third grade. When we were leaving for recess she said I was cute and suggested we go out. We did and it was a pretty disastrous relationship, even for elementary kids. It was an off again on again relationship and we'd always threaten the other with breaking up, until another boy came to our school who was "cuter" and she left me. Next one was in sixth grade. When my friend broke up with her, I felt bad for her so I decided to go out with her. Another bad relationship because she always lied to me and said really random things (like how she could read palms and how they said I would marry a beautiful girl). I dumped her when she gave flowers to another boy. Next was in seventh grade. She asked me out to the dance so we decided to date. OK, now this one was better because I dumped her because she didn't like me hanging out with my friends, which is insane. Finally, I dated my friend in eighth grade for a week until we decided it was weird and broke up mutually and we're still pretty good friends. I was really only attracted the first and last girlfriend, in my mind if a girl asked you out you just said yes. I came out a few months after I broke up with the final girlfriend and she said, "It all makes sense now. No man can resist all this." What happened next you ask? That's for me to know and you to find out.
10. When I'm about do something scary, I say to myself, "I came here to slay so get out the way."
Yes, sometimes alternative phrases will include Beyoncé lyrics.
11. If you're reading, there's a 100 percent guarantee I like you.
I really try to view people positively and if you think I don't like you, it's probably because I think you're too cool and you intimidate me. I can be really snarky (probably because I'm half black and gay), but it really is just a front and my sense of humor combined. So feel free to say hello to me, unless you like man buns. In which case, bye Felicia!
