In April of 2016, I told my mum about my very first girlfriend. We were sitting in the car outside of a laundromat, and while we had had conversations about my sexuality before, I never officially dated someone of the same sex. I will never forget the brick in my chest, growing inches by the second, the lump in my throat getting ready to expel itself out of my mouth at any moment. Tears were flowing, and my lungs weren’t working. I will always remember the tension, the discomfort. But the one thing that I will absolutely never forget, is the thought that ran through my head, “If you had killed yourself already, you wouldn’t have to go through this process.”

According to the Trevor Project, “LGB youth seriously contemplate suicide at almost three times the rate of heterosexual youth.” Additionally, “LGB youth are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide compared to heterosexual youth.^” I won’t sugar coat the thoughts I had for several months – years – before deciding to come out. “I can avoid the whole thing if I just die.” “The disappointment you’ll bring your family by committing suicide will be far less than the disappointment of being gay.” “You’ll never be loved the same.” Reminder that I’m not sharing these thoughts for you to feel pity for me, but rather to educate on the dangers that LGBTQIA youth face every day when deciding to tell someone their identity.

There are two different types of “coming out”. The first, the most important, is the coming out to self. “The process by which one accepts and/or comes to identify one’s own sexuality or gender identity” (Safe Zone Project). It doesn’t matter how much social support someone has, if they don’t come to healthy and accepting terms with themselves, they will always be at risk for factors like self-harm or suicide. The second coming out, is to someone else, whether it be friends, family, or strangers. “The process by which one shares one’s sexuality or gender identity with others” (Safe Zone Project). Many people pay more attention to the latter, forgetting the importance of the former. Self-acceptance is something that I continue to struggle with, as do many youths. Young adults are in the ages of creating themselves, their image, their identity. They are exploring, questioning, curious, and vulnerable. It is important to allow those young adults to freely express themselves however they choose, whether it be a temporary exploration or a permanent identity. We are all humans, and we are all trying to find our place in this chaotic world. It takes time, and it takes courage.

These identities and expressions may fluctuate. A female-identifying person may come out as lesbian, indicating attraction to other female-identfying persons, but later decide that they are in fact not. This does not mean they went through a “phase,” rather it means they were human and were exploring their sexuality and their ability to love. There seems to be a great negativity directed towards individuals who come out as a certain identity, and then later change it. The thing to realize, is sexual expression is fluid. Someone may have sexual attraction to males, but emotional attraction to females – or vice versa. Those attractions and preferences have the possibility of changing as well. In the end, as humans, our sexual attractions may not always be “black and white.”

This leads to the common myth that coming out is a one-time event. Like stated above, someone who comes out with one gender or sexual identity, may change it later. However, coming out is a continuous process for another reason. Someone may come out to their parent/s as gay, and then their close friends, other family members, classmates, etc. It’s not always as dramatic as the Hollywood scenes portray, “sit down, we need to talk.” Coming out can be as simple as someone asking me on the plane why I’m traveling, and me responding (as a cis-gendered female) with, “I am visiting my girlfriend.” This small conversation may not seem as dramatic as the coming out scenes you’ve seen in movies, but the experience is just as terrifying. While traveling in the past, I was asked multiple times a day what brought me to another state. Sometimes I would reveal that I was visiting my girlfriend, and other times I would simply say that I was visiting a friend. Coming out can be an everyday occurrence. Sometimes an LGBTQIA individual may feel safe enough to disclose their identity, and other times they don’t. This can depend on the environment they’re in, the people surrounding them, the major belief system of the area, etc. For me personally, I don’t often disclose that I am in a homosexual relationship unless I know the person quite well, to avoid awkward, stressful, or violent confrontation.

Lastly, it is crucial to realize that just because someone has come out to a certain audience, doesn’t mean they are comfortable with anyone and everyone knowing their identity. Be mindful and careful not to out someone unintentionally. When introducing someone, let them state their own pronouns, gender, or sexual identity. For example, I was once with a friend and when someone asked me, “Do you have a boyfriend?” I simply responded with, “No,” but my friend added in, “Oh, she’s gay!” The fear that instantly entered my body was paralyzing as I was silently pleading for this stranger to not react negatively or violently. In the end, simple statements like the one my friend made can harm an LGBTQIA individual emotionally and physically.

In conclusion, here are some common statements made to an individual during the process of coming out, and why they should be avoided:

• “I knew all along!” – This downplays the significance of them telling you and the courage it took.
• “I still love you.” – It’s as if you’re saying, “I love you despite this new information.” It implies your love is conditional.
• Don’t ask inappropriate questions or cross boundaries you wouldn’t have beforehand. If you never talked about sexual relations in your friendship before, you can’t suddenly make statements like “How do you have sex?!” Do you ask everyone about their sexual life?
• “It’s okay with me.” OR “Gay/Trans people don’t bother me.” They aren’t asking for your permission to be who they are, nor do they need it. They’re telling you because they trust you, and want to share a part of them they love/ are trying to love.
• “Are you sure? / How do you know?” – Well how do you know you’re straight or cisgendered? Because you know yourself better than anyone. Just like the person coming out does too – trust them.
• “You should have told me sooner! / I’m insulted you think this would bother me!” – Whether you’ve made accepting affirmations before or not, coming out to anyone is frightening and takes time for everyone. They weren’t lying to you by withholding this information, they were waiting until they were comfortable and felt happy to tell you about something so important to them.

The strongest force in this universe is love. Loving who you choose will grant you the wings of freedom. Being yourself will fulfill the emptiness in your soul despite how different the world tells you, you are. Different is beautiful; different is valid.