Sexuality has always been somewhat of a sensitive topic for me. Not necessarily because it is too personal, but because I genuinely do not know how to describe it. All of my life I have known I am not straight, but that's about as far as I can go before it gets complex.
Back in seventh grade was when I really started to notice my affections toward other people were not what others were experiencing. Most of the boys in my grade would talk about the girls they liked or found attractive, but the people I found attractive were the boys who were telling me these things. I wasn't sure what this meant but I had a feeling it probably had to do with the term "gay" that I was being called. I kept to myself about my feelings most of the time and never actually said that word in describing myself. It wasn't until the end of eighth grade that I finally admitted out loud to someone that I was gay. To very little surprise, there wasn't much of a reaction. I mean I wasn't the straightest acting person, I was into theatre and dance and nearly all of my friends were girls. So to my friends and the public I was "gay". However, I soon realized that wasn't entirely true.
I noticed that I had started developing feelings for my female friends but I felt as though I couldn't. I was, for a lack of better term, the gay best friend. I had always slept over my friend's houses and they trusted me with secrets and stuff they would never tell a regular guy, so for me to all of a sudden admittingly say "oh yeah, I like girls" felt wrong. So I never said anything. In fact, it took until my freshman year of college for me to say it out loud, and even then most people thought I was joking. It's sad that there is such a stigma around bisexuality (which is the closest thing I can choose to call myself).
To be honest, I don't even know what to call myself. I find myself romantically and sexually interested in both genders, but for some reason I still feel the need to say I'm strictly gay out of fear that my friends will view me differently. I'm worried that they won't trust me or that I'll be seen as someone who doesn't know what they want. Well the truth is, I don't. I don't know what I want and I'm still figuring it out.
Sexuality is complex, but in the end it's a private thing. I don't need to say I'm gay, or bisexual, or straight, or anything. I'm Zach and that's all I know right now and all I need to say.
