We live in this world where coming out starts with the phrase “I am” and ends with the word “gay, bisexual, transgender etc…” This phrase has the ability to break up families, to bring families closer but the term coming out is one that always has be confused.
Let me go back and explain…
Seven years ago I was sitting in a classroom and someone looked at me then said, “stop being gay”. At the time I didn’t know what that meant. I was still in middle school and still innocent. From that moment in that classroom to the next few block classes after people, my fellow classmates accused me of being gay. At the time I was being accused, like it was something that I did wrong and at the time I had no idea who I was.
In fact, I was so unsure of the situation to the point that I think that was the time I was coming out to people… However, at the time I still don’t think I knew that I was in fact a different sexual orientation compared to the majority of my grade.
Fast forward to the summer, I met the most amazing person and we reached a point in our friendship where I thought we were not friends anymore. BUT for me this didn’t seem normal, I was not supposed to fall in love with a guy, nature did not work that way. After talking and listening to what I was saying I established that there was a possibility that I in fact liked guys.
Then came freshman year of high school. At this point I tried coming out again and I did but it was expected at this point and since then everyone knew that I was gay.
Since that moment freshman year, I have had to “come out” three more times and plenty of times to new friends when we establish new friendships.
After thinking to myself I always wonder though, why am I in this loop. Why is it that every time I meet someone or established a relationship with someone I needed to “come out?” Every time it felt like I was repeating myself and in that matter of the seven years I came out for the first time I always wondered why… why was it a big deal? This is who I am, this is who I am proud to be and for that reason, I felt like I did not need to come out for more times after that.
For me this didn’t seem to be the biggest deal, every self identifies in many ways. The way I view it, everyone is and onion and every layer tells a story and every layer is pulled a new layer is revealed. These layers may not be ideal for people but they are who are.
To this day, I regret coming out as gay because every day that passes I wonder who I really am. I wonder if I am capable of being the best man for another guy. I wonder if I am capable of even the best for myself.
Seven years ago someone in my graduating class did the hardest thing for a lot of young teens, and did it for me but I regret it.
To this day, I regret coming out.
Was I ready? And why do we always have to come out, over and over again?
As I start a new life I begin to think I am ready to come out again another time. Do I want to come out to my roommates, new friends and people in general or do I keep this who I am to me and let me worry about who I am?
