Hello everyone! Today, I decided to put something together to lighten everybody’s moods, something full of laughs. However, I soon realized that thinking of funny material from scratch is a pretty difficult task. BUT I still wanted to make this article all about jokes, so what I’ve decided to do is quote some of the famous comedians out there, and make a collection of jokes that hopefully make you laugh. I’m trying to have a bit of variety here. But enough with introductions, let’s get down to the funny biz…
“It’s all McDonald’s. Mcdonald’s of the soul. Momentary pleasure followed by incredible guilt eventually leading to cancer.”
-Jim Gaffigan
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
- Robin Williams (RIP)
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
-George Carlin (RIP)
“When I was four, my three older sisters captured me, dressed me up like Queen Elizabeth, then took a picture of me while I cried. This kind of sibling torture will scramble your brain. To this day, I still cry when I dress up like Queen Elizabeth.”
-Troy Alan
“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”
-Benny Hill
“Three out of four marriages end in failure. If you were going skydiving and they told you three out of four parachutes won’t open, would you still fucking jump?” (another parachute punchline)
-Bill Burr
“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did-in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.”
-Bob Monkhouse
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
-Socrates
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
-Demetri Martin
“Today I met a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.”
-Steven Wright
“It’s not an accent, it’s a whole city of people saying most words wrong.”
-Louis C.K.
“I don’t go to the gym because I’m self-conscious about my body… But I’m self-conscious about my body, because I don’t go to the gym”
-Bo Burnham
“I can resist everything except temptation.”
-Oscar Wilde
“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.”
-Mitch Hedberg
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
-Jon Hammond
After extensive research, these were the best short jokes for a short article that I could find. I heard from comedy stand up specials, and quotes I saw online. I could have probably put more jokes, but I figured these were the ones that were worth putting, since most of the other ones would’ve seemed like space fillers. I hope you got a laugh or two at least, a daily dose of humor is never a bad thing!
