After spending all my afternoons last week in tutoring for Chemistry and feeling super confident about my test, yesterday I left my Chem exam in absolute defeat. I walked back to my car and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My biggest fear had finally crept in.

For so long, I've been thinking, "Is this really what I want? Is this really who I want to be for the rest of my life?"

I thought I was lucky because, at 17, I knew exactly what I wanted to be for the rest of my life. But four years later, I couldn't feel more lost. "You're not smart enough," the voice in my head reminded me as I wiped the tears from my cold cheeks. I spend so much time and so much effort only to get nowhere. I have slowly watched my passion fade into an unattainable dream.

I felt defeated. I called my dad and told him that I've been feeling this way for quite some time and have been too afraid to speak it into existence. What will people think of me if I change my major now? All my friends are graduating this Spring, and I've barely accomplished anything. I was the one who had it all figured out, and now I don't have a single clue what I want anymore.

To no surprise, my dad said it was okay and that I have plenty of time to figure out what I want to do. There is no rush. It was so nice to know that maybe there is something else out there that I'm destined to be and, by chance, I may stumble across that.

I sat in my high school Honors Chemistry class, receiving C's while my friends were easily getting A's back on everything. That's when I should've known. But in my heart, I knew I had to work extra hard in order to understand these concepts. Nothing was tearing me away from this dream, I had gotten accepted to a great college program, and I was on cloud nine. Naively enough, I thought I would be able to somehow excel in a major that was primarily focused around Chemistry.

That was a high school level class. In college, there is no hand holding, no walking you through problems, no extra credit or curving exams. There is you, your pencil and your calculator; so you better pray you don't get the lowest grade in the class.

But one thing that I have never once questioned about myself is writing. I've been writing in a journal since I was about seven, before I found running, before I found eating healthy, before I found my passion for health and fitness. When you struggle with depression and anxiety, it is so important to actively express your feelings, whether it's through singing, writing, or dancing.

You need an outlet.

At 17 years old, I thought I had it all figured out. At 18, I was on top of the world; Prom Queen, a Marathoner, and receiving 3.5 GPA's throughout college. At 19, I qualified for the Boston Marathon. At 20, I watched everything I've ever known crumble to my feet when my parents divorced.

But at 21, I learned more than just my alcohol tolerance. With a blown-out hip, a less than spectacular GPA, and my anxiety at an all-time high, I've learned you don't quit at Mile 20.

At Mile 20, you feel the effects of the marathon wearing and tearing on your legs. At Mile 22, you swear you can't take another step. At Mile 24, your lungs feel like they may collapse. At Mile 26, you say you'll never run a marathon again. But that last .2, I'll tell you it is the greatest high you will ever experience.

26.2 miles of heartache, some tears, and lots of blood blisters. Later, you realize you wish you could go back. You've learned something about yourself that before you crossed the finish line you never knew existed.

So I'm telling myself school is not a sprint to the finish. It is, in fact, a marathon. It may be the hardest marathon (and the longest) I've ever run, but I know it will be worth it. I know if I still want to finish out this major and work my butt off for another 3/4 years for the same degree it won't be pretty. But at least I know I will graduate and do what I love.

So when I think I can't sit through these science classes any longer, and it's only going to get harder and harder, the other side of the finish line is beautiful. And oh, so worth it.

To any other college student who feels confused and uncertain, who may be questioning changing their major as well, give yourself permission to explore what your heart wants at this moment in time. There are students who graduate with their Bachelor's in three years, and then there are ones who take seven years to graduate with their Master's. Take your time.

There is no time limit on obtaining your degree. If there were no rules, which there actually isn't, what would you do? Would you take some time off, or pick a different career path? The more we tell ourselves we "have" to stick to something that is tearing us apart, is the moment we lose our love for it.

Inner peace is one of the most valuable possessions. When the world around you feels to be crumbling, find your stillness. Hold onto it, and know that, with grace in your head and grit in your heart, you will accomplish great things.