Scalding hot

Adrenaline junkie. There’s nothing that gets your blood flowing quite like third degree burns on your tongue from literally boiling hot coffee. Watch out for people who drink coffee like this – they’re generally dangerous, unpredictable, and are prone to impromptu adventures that end abruptly with minor injuries.

Pretty freakin’ hot

Ain’t nobody got time for coffee to cool! These people are generally desperate for a caffeine kick but don’t even have time to wait for the perfect temperature. This category mostly consists of moms, nannies, and babysitters chasing after small, yet surprisingly fast children.

Perfectly warm-hot

The only people who actually wait for their coffee to cool to the perfect appropriate coffee temperature are the same people who don’t fail at Pinterest crafts and can make pancakes in the shape of actual smiley faces. It’s okay to be perfect like this – just know that the rest of the world hates you when our Pinterest projects crash and burn.

Lukewarm

Ah, here we are: the Liz Lemons of the world. You see, we tried to wait for our coffee to cool, but we just missed that small window of time where our coffee was perfectly wonderful and now it’s just kind of cool-ish and gross. It’s a metaphor for the rest of our lives. It’s okay, though, we tried, and that’s what mattered.

Cold-ass coffee

I’m sorry that you hate your life, people in this category. I can’t think of a reason to drink cold coffee unless it’s iced – maybe your kitchen caught on fire, or you witnessed a robbery and heroically intervened. But regardless, just throw out your coffee and get a new one, for God’s sake.