In the fall of 2014, I packed up all of my hope, fears, possessions and perspectives and moved to college. I, along with thousands of other 18-year-olds all across the country, began writing the next chapter of my life. Everyone knows that college is a major milestone in a person's existence that can bring about a great deal of change. College is famous for its new experiences and its teachable moments. And if you are anything like me, college has the power to be a bit of a slap in the face. So for anyone else who went through a bit of an existential crisis freshman year, this one is for you.
In my recent journey to discover God and myself through self-reliance and new-found knowledge, I have been thinking a lot about what I guess would constitute the psychological makeup of beliefs. I came to college as a smart and very practical girl with a secret imaginative side and a passion for learning. While I in no way deluded myself into thinking I had all the answers, I thought my beliefs to be unshakable. Alas, I did not stand a chance against the world. I was thrown into situations I had never before imagined; I met people like I had never before experienced, and I heard points of view from every angle you could imagine. All this new left me grasping for connections between my old life and the one I desired to live. I questioned how I could find a balance between the fire and ice of the mind and soul, so to speak.
I wondered, in terms of religion, and perhaps even life, where along the line did passion weave with practicality? Did it ever? I mean, being an English major and writing is my passion, but logically, in life and reality, that goal is not "practical." I pondered, as a person who values critical thinking and learning, how could I process all the staggering information I was learning about God and religion without hurting my faith by cynicism and questioning? In my first life away from home, how would I move forward from the church I had attended the duration of my history without letting it close my mind to other sides of a spiritual relationship?
Not that there was anything wrong with them, but I always felt that excitable preachers who have a tendency to yell and flashily praise were off-putting. (I am a reserved introvert, what can I say?) In fact, it genuinely frightened me to see a service with flag bearers, public dancing, or even the laying of hands. Not because these practices were wrong or strange in any way, but because they were so far removed from what I had always known and felt comfortable with. They puzzled me. I knew all things passionate, surely, could not be completely removed from religion, so why did I find it so hard to believe in the sermon and followers when I observed these occurrences?
These are all questions I have been working through for some time now, and while I may not have the answers to them, I know that the best thing for a healthy spiritual life is faith. Pure and simple. And I know that frustration when developing a spiritual relationship is a natural human tendency, because we all desire to really know what it is we believe in. I do not think there is any crime in wanting to be able to fully think through our beliefs, even if our inadequate human minds are incapable of coming out the other side with the answer.
But on the other hand, I also want to feel the Spirit and not just think about it. I want God to be my one magnificent obsession, like the Steven Curtis Chapman song says. I want to be so overflowing with His love and the Fruits of the Spirit that I just cannot contain it, which can be a hard place to get to if every aspect of a spiritual relationship is scrutinized. So, does this mean I have to let go of the insatiable thirst for knowledge I feel the Lord has given me? I cannot seem to justify or accept that. That being so, I feel I must work at letting myself be smart about my passion. To be educated when considering that change is good and that it opens up exciting and challenging paths ahead of me.
To those of you still looking for your solid rock, know that God does not love you for your answers. College will test you and it may change you, but it does not have to break you. Be true to both your head and your heart and do not settle for someone else's truth. We are all on a journey to seek truth, and I wish you the best of luck. I hope we all find where the cataract of passion meets the river of truth.
