Listen--do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Santa Claus?

No?

Too bad.

Welcome to the Church of Santa, where we worship the almighty jolly giant known as Santa Claus.

Our jovial, gift-giving god above comes every December 25th to give thanks to all the people of the world for following in his teachings. Here's how you can join in on the worship:

1. Santa is the one true jolly red giant above. You shall have no jolly red giants before Santa. Stars included.

2. You shall not speak badly of Santa. Do you know how difficult it is delivering billions of presents in one night? Do you? Do you? Give the poor man a break. He only does this once every year.

3. Remember to spread the Christmas cheer to others. Or else you will be punished. Severely. (I think the worst Santa will do involves you needing to shovel some reindeer droppings from your roof. Don't look at me--look at that stupid Rudolph who doesn't know where the bathroom is.)

4. You shall not steal other children's presents...unless the child whose present is being stolen is asking for it. In that case, show that little sh*t who's boss and rip that 2018 Nintendo X-845 from his cold, undeserving hands. Sorry, Billy. Better luck next year.

On this day of our lord Santa, please keep in your hearts the list he's making and checking twice. He's going to find out who's naughty or nice, and he will know which kid really deserves that Rollplay Chevy Silverado.

P.S. You must be below the age of 7 in order to be a member of this congregation.

P.S.S. For those few readers who are indeed aged 7 and below: failure to follow these tenants will result in excommunication and perpetual amounts of coal in your stocking. You have been warned.