After coming home from months of being away at school, the normal excitement of finally being able to cuddle up with a blanket and a show; excited to relax, catch up with family, and anticipate Christmas quickly set in. With the relaxation came time to think about what this year may be like as it comes to a close. Although I touched on this when writing last week in a small tribute to my aunt, with a clearer mind I wanted to write this to really say what’s on my mind.

My family has always loved Christmas-I think more than any other holiday. My parents kept the day seeming pretty magical for many years, and we always shared lots of mini-traditions each year. I still even force my dad to eat the cookies I set out for him and write letters from "Santa" at 3 a.m. to this day. Each Christmas morning we would have most of the family come over and open gifts that flooded the family room spouting from a tree that usually I decorated. I remember always waking up to coffee and cookies (because this is an acceptable combination this time of year) and setting the calendar marker to be on Christmas Day. We'd have great food and drinks, play Christmas music (that's usually the same as year's passed) awaiting the arrival of our family, and laugh-a lot.

You had the best laugh. Sometimes when you'd come over early in the mornings the only reason I knew was because of how your laugh resonated through our walls. You loved the holidays, too. You dressed up with earrings, pins, vests, and hats. You brought all of us hats, and had special bags with our names on them you'd reuse every year to give us our gifts. You saved your gifts to open for last, and enjoyed watching us get our gifts so much more. You gave us chocolate with wrappers that had saints and Santa's on them with our gifts. You always brought the ham. You'd set out special holiday prayers next to our dinner plates, take way too many pictures, and make us laugh until our cheeks hurt.

This year will not be like others. There will be an open spot on the floor where you'd sit, anxiously anticipating all of us opening our gifts. There won't be a special prayer, or hats, or those chocolates, and we had to buy the ham. It’s going to be weird, uncomfortable and awkward at times. There has been so many times where I’ve felt like you truly were the glue in our family. Although we’ll miss you more than words, you left the gift of love behind. We feel you around all the time, and will have to make do with that. I’ll always cherish those special memories I had with you, even if they now may be most vivid in my dreams.

But you? In my mind, you get the awesome end of the deal. First of all, you won’t have to deal with all of us bickering all day. You could probably eat as much ham and pineapple bake as you want. You’ll be singing those Christmas songs with angels and dancing in the clouds. I bet heaven has all the Christmas cookies that you could want.

Maybe you’ll be watching over us that day if we’re lucky, and we’ll get a few signs here and there.

We miss you, and love you so much. Merry Christmas.